When i looked back at YY's 3 months+ of cheating, i realised that there were many instances whereby i put my trust in him and yet he abused it, betrayed it, and made use of it even:
- Giving him all the freedom and sharing the financial burden with him (and he pretended to be single to woo that woman, while lying to me to go meet her)
- leaving the car to him so that he needs not take public transport to work (and he used it to drive all the way back to JB to meet her and drove to KL with her);
- continue letting him or even encourage him to go play badminton game, knowing that the game is important to him, and thinking that it will help him to distress and allow him some time to be with his own friends (and he actually took this chance and shortened his sleeping time or playing time just to meet her every week);
- sending nice sms-es to that woman twice, apologising for my husband's irresponsible behaviours and politely requesting her to stop contacting him (and they actually informed each other about my sms and discussed what to do about it);
- believing his convincing speech about going to KL alone to think about how to break with that woman, and even told my friends around me to believe his words too (and he actually was having fun with her friends together and having multiple times of sex with her in KL)
- telling him in advance that i wanted him to breakup with her with speaker phone in front of me, thinking that he needs time to prepare himself since it's a difficult task for him (and he actually informed the woman beforehand and pakat to act in front of me);
- believing in his act of breaking up with her and continue to work on rebuilding the marriage (and he continues the affair behind my back and scheming to make use of my financial sharing with him to build their future together)
When i come to think about it, both of them must be laughing behind my back at my gullibility. They must be thinking that how stupid i was to buy their words so easily. And to think think that i am so intelligent in my study and work, i actually had no street smart and was so easily duped by two of them.
I believe it's not hard for anyone to imagine how hurtful and betrayed i feel.
Yet, do i feel ashamed for being such a fool? No, i don't, not at all.
Whatever people say about me being stupid to trust him, i do not feel ashamed at all. Why should i be really?
To love a person is to trust him. I chose to trust the words of the person i love deeply, despite he already betrayed me in the first place. I love him dearly, and i was willing and dare to trust his words, for i believe that this is what love is all about.
After all, what is love without trust? It's just like a beautiful glass bottle with cracks, can never hold any water for long and will eventually break into pieces. So if i chose to trust for love, and that makes me foolish, then so be it.
I have loved wholeheartedly, without reservation, even if that means i'll be hurt deeply and be played like a fool.
Yes, so i was a fool, a fool for love, and i'm not ashamed about it.
Labels: love
