Yet, all these came too late.
This is the very thing that i had been waiting for the past three months when i was waiting in agony for him to turn back. Everyday, i ended up in disappointment, over and over again. He did do it during that time, but was to that woman instead. He did similar things of sending food over or travel all the way just to see her because he missed her so much. Now, i can't be sure if he's doing it for me only, or for two women at the same time.
But then, it's unimportant anymore. Even though my heart longs for his love and care, my mind knows that all these have to stop, or else i can never really move on, and i'd forever be trapped in this agony of not able to let him go and attach myself onto him. I need to stand up on my own now, live on my own now, even if it means i need to withstand the deep loneliness and heartache for a long time. I just have to do that, if i still want a chance in life to be happy again one day.
The same for him too. I still do not believe that he had already stopped with that woman despite he insisted. I mean, after all, he had said similar things with the same convincing tone and expression before. I can't tell if it's true or false anymore. Furthermore i know that he is not the kind of person who would toy with woman on purpose. Once he fell for someone, and furthermore after all the mind-blowing sex, it's not possible for him to just end it like that. Plus some of the things he told me and his family were still lies, which means that he still have things to hide.
What i believe is that he loves her, but at the same time felt extreme guilt and sympathy towards me. He felt very bad that he had caused me to be in this state now. The many years of companionship also created an emotional attachment on me that he might mistaken for love. The fact is that it is a habit and not true love. And emotional attachment is like an addiction. It will stop as time goes by, but true love won't. True love lasts a lifetime.
He of course denied everything. I'm not sure if he's still lying or just refuses to accept the fact. Or maybe he simply does not want to analyse his own feelings. In fact, sometimes i feel like i understand him more than he understands himself.
Basically he has to stop too, to stop caring about me. We both have to slowly fade out of each other's lives. We need to find happiness on our own now, separately. I want him to be happy, and i want myself to be happy. We won't be able to do that together anymore, so we gotta detach ourselves from each other and find happiness on our own.
We talked for quite a while just now too, and again, i couldn't stop my tears. I hate to cry in front of him actually, as i do not want or need his pity at all. Yet my heartache is just too much to hold in my sorrow.
Anyway, i finally told him some of the things that i had found out and asked him how he could possibly even have the slightest thought of using me and hurting me. Those thought should have never even crossed his mind at all if he has even the slightest love and care for me.
I wanted him to understand that it wasn't only about losing him, losing his love, losing our marriage and our future together, but also about the discovery of his great betrayal that cut through my heart, that knocked me down and i couldn't seem to stand up anymore.
You know, when you found out about how the person you loved with all your heart and soul and trusted with your life was actually scheming against you behind your back, you'd feel as if your world has come to an end and you'd rather your life end at that very instance too. Yes, it is that kind of hard blow that pierce through your heart.
Actually along with that, i've also discovered all the lies that he had told me during the past three months, but i guess he should know better about what those were. All these had basically destroyed all trust, and trust is such a fragile thing that once it's broken, it can't be put back to the same perfect shape ever again.
I also told him that my family and friends are also all disappointed in him. So even if he really does change for the better totally, the trust will not be there anymore for me and the people around me. He also couldn't face any of my family and friends anymore, but to me having the blessings and support of the people around us in a relationship is very crucial. True happiness and blissful marriage is only possible if your spouse can get along very well with your family and friends, because all these people are part of your life and mean a lot to you too.
So really, love itself is not the only element in a happy and healthy relationship. We can never go back to before already. Everything's just too late already. Things in life are as such; treasure it while you still can, for once lost, you can never have it back ever again no matter how hard you want it to be.
I hope our peaceful conversation today can finally make him understand the situation. He keeps insisting that he does not want a divorce, and believes that we can still work out one day in future. I hope now he can finally understand that certain thins in life are just impossible.
Anyway, i think i had already made things clear to him, more than once already. He may still refuse to let go of this marriage now because of not wanting to let go of the past happy moments, and he has not gotten used to not having me around yet. Once he gets over this emotional attachment, which i give him the most one year and the least just for a few months time, he'd be more than happy to complete the divorce processing the soonest possible.
As for me, i can let go of this marriage for both of our happiness, but what i really need to let go is what's within me -- the past memories, good or bad, and my deep love for him.
Labels: love
