Had a long talk with YY today. The call started off badly, with us shouting at each other, saying nasty and irrational things. I felt the extreme heartache thinking about what he had done and was doing to me then. I cried hysterically until i felt like throwing up.
I poured out all the questions that i had wanted to ask, which i knew full well that there were no answers to any of the questions. I asked him if i had ever mistreated him in anyway over all those years that he had to inflict such pain on me. I asked him how he could lie to me to keep me in the marriage for sharing his financial burden while he intended to continue the affair with that woman behind my back. I told him that if he does not love me anymore, then just tell me; how could he even think about making use of me financially and disregard my well-being totally. I asked him over and over again that how could he do this to a person he once loved so deeply and had been together for so long.
I cried and cried and cried. He then calmed down and talked to me nicely. We then finally could have a decent conversation.
Two things struck me during the conversation.
Firstly, he said he believed that he is the kind of man who is meant to be alone forever. I was very upset and told him that if this is the case, he should not have appeared in my life 8 years ago, and should not have gotten married at all. I was healing well from my first breakup already, and i could have met a good man and happily married now, instead of being hurt this much like now.
Next, he also agreed somewhat that his feelings for me now are more like a close family member whom he could not lose. This is not the man-woman kind of love, but more like kinship. He said he does not know exactly when his love for me changed into this kinship over time, but he is sure that he cares a lot for me still.
Actually for all this while, i've more or less realised this fact, but it still hurt very much when i heard it from him. The love may have been lost long time ago, probably years ago even before we got married. That was why even though he still cares for me, his love was vacant and could be readily given to another woman frantically.
Uh huh, love dies... love of the male species can never last a lifetime. But for me, i can love a person forever. Even after such long years being together, i've never stopped loving him even for one second. Yet, his love for me has quietly died off while i was under the impression that i was being loved and treasured so much by him.
Oh yes, this is a deep throb into my already hurting heart, but i'm grateful that he could finally see it, recognise it and admit it. No more denial about not loving me; i've been telling him to stop saying he loves me and not that woman, when all that he had done proved the exact opposite.
I think it's near already, really. Once the formality is settled, and i've had the closure i long for, i will bury 贝 and all the memories.
Accept it, Pin, accept that love does die. Accept that forever is a time too long that nothing can really last till then. Accept that it is something already lost and can never come back. Accept that life has changed, and will be changing all the time, no matter how hard you wish that it was still the same. Accept that no matter how best you think that you have done, and how much that you have given out, what you get back can never ever be the same.
Just accept that, the love is dead.
Labels: love
