I never cared about anything materials and financial, and never minded about sharing any financial burden with you as long as it could lighten your troubles.
I gave you 100% trust, in never checking on you, asking you to show me your financial calculations, or suspecting your words (up until you behaved suspiciously and started cheating on me over and over again).
I always said "thank you" to whatever you do for me (like even just bringing me a cup of water) or when you buy something for me, not simply because i'm a well-mannered girl, but more because i wanted to let you know that i appreciated and was grateful for everything you did for me.
I would do my best to get something for your birthdays or for special occasions despite how busy i was with my work, even though it appeared to be sloppy effort and lousy gifts in your eyes.
I cared about your well-being and always want you to be healthy. For instance, i bought the hand sanitiser for you to put in the office so that you will be cleared of all bacteria. This may seem insignificant to you but it was the way i cared for you in the little ways in everyday life.
I thought of you all the time whenever you are not with me, and that was why i always called you on my mobile when i was overseas, disregarding the roaming charges as long as i could hear your voice.
I always have you on my mind that i sometimes would have a slip of tongue and actually called my friends "贝".
I felt that our life was so happy and fulfilled that i always wrote about us in my blog and told my friends and colleagues about what you or we did together.
I would sometimes looked at you while you were sleeping and snoring, and smiled contently at how my beloved 贝 was sleeping by my side.
I would replay your mischievous behaviours and loving moments in my head and felt my heart filled with joy and content.
I would hold the little pillow in my arms and chanted "贝, 贝, 贝" when you were away and i was alone in bed missing you.
I do not want any kids, but i had asked you several times if you had changed your mind and said that if you want children then we should have it earlier than later. If you really did change your mind and tell me about it, i'd still be willing to have kids, simply because of my love for you.
I did not pay homage to any specific religion even though i have always been more towards Christianity. That was because i knew very well that your family was staunch Buddhist and i wanted to avoid any possible conflicts.
I had always thought of working overseas while i was young, but knowing that you never liked western countries and i wanted to be with you, i gave up the chances of working overseas.
I had wanted to become a university professor and have always excelled in my study, but considering your already inferior thought about our educational differences, i rejected the opportunity of pursuing my dream when it was already landed onto my lap.
I hate my stressful and busy work but still worked my ass off, thinking that we need the money to maintain our good life and for building our dream future together.
I have never liked any sports but decided to take up golfing just so that we could have an activity that we could do together till old age. I also took up the interest in following badminton games because you loved it so much.
I woke up earlier than you every morning to make breakfast for both of us and later to make soup for our dinner. This carried on even when you had betrayed me.
I could not bear to see you living miserably. Even when you had betrayed me and i gotta stay away from you, i'd rather you have the house and the car, so that you can still live comfortably even though i gotta rough it out myself.
I did not force you to stop the affair immediately like many women would do, and i did not scold or slap that woman like many women would do; rather, i gave you time to turn back, and i even told you that if you truly loves her and chooses her, you just tell me your choice and i'd let you go willingly.
I still let you to go play badminton game by yourself during weekday in SG and on Sundays in JB despite everyone telling me that i was actually giving you a chance to see that woman if i did not tag along or stop you from going. I told them that you loved this game and needed the activity to de-stress and be with your friends, for i thought that you must be very troubled and i still believed that you would not take advantage of my consideration for you despite you had already betrayed me.
I was under depression and needed the support from my family the most when i knew of the affair, and yet i cooked up lies to keep them in the dark, and actually let you return to my JB home while i stayed alone in SG miserably.
I could not bring myself to hurt you physically when i discovered all your cheating, so instead of slapping you in fury, i'd rather hurt myself by pounding my own hand on the table and injured it.
I prayed to the Diety of Hell (地藏王) at a temple that i went visit with my housemate to forgive and not punish you for whatever sins that you had committed, and i also included you in my prayer to God now to ask for your salvation.
I was worried that you would be cheated by that China woman and hoped you could stay away from her even though we had already separated and what you do actually does not concern me anymore; yet on the other hand, i hope you can be with her happily because i worried that you'd be severely punished by karma if you were to dump her after having sex with her so many times. So my mind was split in not knowing if i should hoped you two to be together or not, because all i want is just that you would not suffer in any way.
I miss you so much that i would sometimes drive home (when i still had the car), stand by the door, listening to the sound of TV from inside the house, imagining you sitting there, and then left silently with tearful eyes.
I still cared for your future and well-being even after you had hurt me so deeply, by asking your family to take care of you, worrying (unnecessarily it seems now) that you might live a deserted life.
I took care of your stuff by telling my mom not to touch them, and to give you time in moving them. I even scolded her for contacting your family, which to everyone else her behaviours were actually completely understandable.
I did not disclose a lot of details about the whole incident to my family, and actually told them to forgive what you did.
I still want you to be happy and successful in life, even though i would play no part in it anymore.
I could not hate you and still love you even though you have broken my heart into million pieces.
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Really, i've done my best for you already.
Even though i did not keep on voicing my love for you, or keep on reminding you how you occupied my heart and mind, i had thought that all these little gestures in our everyday life would be sufficient to let you know that how much i loved you.
To the best of my ability, i had given it all to shower you with the true love that i believed in, that is to give selflessly as much as i could, even though unbeknownst to you.
I'm sorry that my best wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that i've failed to make you happy and content eternally. I'm sorry that you had felt that i didn't love you 100%. I'm sorry that i didn't do enough to make you understand that my love for you had already reached 102%, whereby i gave up the 2% of loving myself to love you.
I'm especially sorry that i am not a saint who really can love you totally selflessly, as i still expect the same kind of love in return. True selfless love is to love a person unconditionally, and i'm sorry that my love for you does carry a condition, that is you gotta love me the same wholeheartedly and faithfully.
So probably i could not say i truly love you too, for i still fail to love without a condition. I might have tainted true love myself too in proclaiming that my love for you is true.
Whatever it is, i really could not do more for you already. I just hope you will forever remember in a corner of your heart that there was once a person who had loved you this way.
Labels: love
