Then there was one evening that i met up with him to get the car for my use. When i started the car engine, the CD player immediately played the song "I Love You" (我爱你) by S.H.E.
Over all the years together, i've known him inside-out. I knew very well that everytime before he shut down the engine of the car, he would switch the car audio from CD player back to radio, and he'd also turn down the volume of the audio. Furthermore, it is very unlikely that the track would play nicely from the start even if he has forgotten to do so.
Hence i knew that he had actually pre-tuned the song for me, as his message to me that he still loved me. The lyrics of the song especially touched my heart at that time and i cried all the way home while driving the car and listening to the song.
从你眼睛看着自己 最幸福的倒影
握在手心的默契 是明天的指引
无论是远近什么世纪
在天堂拥抱或荒野流离
我爱你 我敢去 未知的任何命运
我爱你 我愿意 准你来跋扈地决定 世界边境
偶尔我真的不懂你 又有谁真懂自己
往往两个人多亲密 是透过伤害来证明
像焦虑不安我就任性
怕泄漏你怕所以你生气
我爱你 让我听 你的疲惫和恐惧
我爱你 我想亲 你倔强到极限的心
我撑起所有爱围成风雨的禁地
当狂风豪雨 想让你喘口气
被划破的信心 需要时间痊愈
梦想牵着怀疑 未来看不清
就紧紧地拥抱去传递
能量和勇气 我爱你
我爱你 我想去 未知的任何命运
我爱你 让我听 你的疲惫和恐惧
我爱你 我想亲 你倔强到极限的心
哪里都一起去 一起仰望星星
一起走出森林 一起品尝回忆
一起误会妒忌 一起雨过天晴
一起更懂自己 一起找到意义
让我爱你
我不要没有你 我不能没有你 绝不能没有你
我爱你
At that time, i thought he was especially using the last part of the lyrics to tell me that he could not do without me in his life.
I then sms-ed him to thank him, to tell him that i could finally feel his sincerity and that i love him too.
Then, later i found out, this is actually one of their songs too, and he was using it on me!
When i searched through his stuff on the day of the discovery, i found a photo album of that woman and her friends. In the album, there were two pieces of paper, hand-written with this lyrics.
It turned out that YY had actually hand written this to her, telling her how much he loved her. For all the past 8 years, this was something that he had never done for me at all, not even when we just started dating.
I can't describe the heartache when i got to know about this. It was as if someone has stabbed me in the heart and pour salt onto it. The only so-called sincerity that he showed me during that time was actually an imitation of his love for her.
Now whenever this song is played on the radio, or rather, any of the Chinese songs that he had been listening to, tears would just roll down my cheeks. In fact, just now when i gotta copy and paste the lyrics onto this post, i was sobbing while typing on my keyboard.
Actually there were a lot of instances whereby he pacified me with the words that they spoke to each other too, and i caught it immediately because it was very easy to tell the differences in sentence structure and vocabularies between China Mandarin and Msia/SG Mandarin.
I could never ever understand how he could do this to me. Is this typical behaviours of two-timing, or was it an agreed scheme with that woman, or he just couldn't bother with showing me anything and was forced to reused what were between them?
Whatever it was, the wound that he cut through my heart was so deep that i can hardly listen to the radio now without feeling extreme sorrow.
Probably i should just stop listening to Chinese songs all together and switch to English radio station.
Labels: rant
