Again, was very sad as it reminded me of the numerous times when 贝 and i were there to buy the small things for our home. Especially when i saw couples hand-in-hand shopping for things, it just pierced through my heart.
Everyday, my mind still can't help but asking "WHY WHY WHY?", "how it would come to this?", "why he has to hurt me like this?", "doesn't he know that i'd be hurt deeply and how could he just don't care at all?", "is that woman really so much better than i am that my husband would rather love her and not me?", "what had i not done enough over all these years that he has to betrayed me till this extent?", "what had i done so wrong that his love can just disappear like this?", "what is so wrong with me that there is no one who could just truly love me forever?", "when is this constant heartache gonna end?", "when will i get better, or will i ever get better?"... Despite knowing there are simply no answers to any of these pointless questions, they will just pop into my head every now and then.
I'm still crying every single day, and still can't sleep well. Am making myself to eat more though, as i do not want my family to worry for me.
Everyday i just wish for myself to sleep and never wake up, but i'm disappointed every morning. Sometimes the heartache is just so excruciating that i'd feel as if i can't breath. I know i'm pushing myself to the limit, over and over again, for so many months now. I'm like an elastic that is already pulled to its extreme and probably just waiting to snap.
Yet i tell myself that i gotta live through this no matter what. I know how it feels to lose someone we love, whether to Death, to time, or to mortal vice. Me losing my beloved 贝 is such torture to me, and i can never put the people who love me through such similar heartache. I gotta keep on pushing myself over the limit, so that i can finally stand on my feet again, or at least pretend to be so, for everyone who cares and loves me.
It's so so so so so tough, and i really do not know how to do it, but i gotta do it no matter what.
Labels: introspection
