Why Men Don't Admit They Had Or Are Still Having an Affair
Many of them are not in love with the other woman. They don't intend for the affair to be a permanent thing. They don't think that you will ever find out. And, they don't want to hurt you. So, their doing whatever it takes to keep you from learning the truth is in their twisted logic their way of sparring you pain and their way of seeing this through without any one needing to get hurt.
I am not defending them in the least, but I believe that it helps to know what they are thinking so that you can counter it. Men often cheat because of what is going on with them, not because of what is going on with you. They are insecure, bored with themselves, or feeling insufficient in some way. They need to feel in control, valuable and worthy. They want to know that they can make someone deliriously happy.
Typically "the other woman" was merely in the right place at the right time. Many men do not intend to cheat when the affair happens. They don't wake up in the morning thinking "OK, let me go and cheat today." Instead, what happens is gradual. A subtle shift occurs and generally the contact is emotional before it is physical. Most people don't believe this, but it is true. This is why sometimes the mistress is not nearly as attractive as the wife or girlfriend. It's not all about sex. It's about the mistress or other person's ability to make him feel important and competent.
In all actuality, this says a lot about him as a person. He knows that this is pretty weak and sad. He doesn't want to admit this to you. He doesn't want to expose this weakness and vulnerability. So, he will keep right on denying, keep right on telling you that you're being paranoid, until this thing ends and, he hopes, everything can go right back to being "normal."
The parts about "they want to know that they can make someone deliriously happy" and "it's about the mistress or other person's ability to make him feel important and competent" are exactly what happened to YY. He had once told me that he felt that he could no longer make me happy while that woman is always happy when with him. YY had also said to me numerous times before about he not matching up to me and i could have been with another man who is so much better. He even accused of my friends looking down on him.
I think deep down in his heart, he has always felt inferior about being with me. He felt that he wasn't the kind of man who could give me anything materials, and all that he could give me that other men couldn't were happiness and his love.
His deep-rooted inferiority has somewhat contributed to him straying off the marriage. When he met a woman who was so good at making him feel good and needed (which everyone knows that this is what those kind of women are good at), it appealed to his ego and made him feel superior. Finally after so many years, there's a woman who let him feel that he is better in every way.
But then, i've never once during our time together put him down in any way about our differences. I somehow knew that this was a point that had always made him unhappy, and i never mentioned about anything at all. In fact, whenever he was down and talked about how he felt that he wasn't going anywhere in his life, i did my best to give him encouragement.
Probably to him, what i did just wasn't enough. I couldn't make him feel that just having me is enough for him to have a happy and fulfilled life.
Actually i had my deep-rooted inferiority too. Why i'm such a perfectionist is because i just wanna be the best in everything i do, just so that people can love me the most in their lives. I want to be loved so much that i do not allow myself to go the bad way, even now when i'm hurting so much and i could simply say "i give up".
And my inferiority is that i never feel that i'm good enough to be loved. I've realised that for all my life, my best was never good enough for anyone i love. Not for my mom, and not for him.
Labels: love
