All i have ever wanted in life is to love, be loved, and be happy... forever. Is this too much to ask?
This is not merely a rhetoric question. It is really a question that i wanna ask and hope for an answer.
For the 34 years of my life, i've always wanted to find love and happiness. I do not wish to be a millionaire or a famous celebrity. All i hope for is just to be the most important, loved and treasured person in someone's life.
If i were to analyse myself with Freudian psychology, i'd trace it all the way back to my childhood, or maybe even earlier than that.
I wasn't really a wanted child. When my mom was carrying me, my elder brother was a naughty two-year-old. My parents had thought of aborting me because of all the energy and attention that was required in taking care of my brother. My aunt told me this. She also told me that mom had even took some Chinese medicine that was supposed to get rid of me, but i stayed on.
Sometimes i wonder if a fetus can actually feel what the mother is feeling. If it can, i must have known that my parents had contemplated not having me. I must have known that i wasn't originally wanted in this world.
After i was born, mom couldn't take care of two little children at the same time. She put me at my grandma's place until i was more than a year old. When i was first brought home, i cried every single day. As i was still a toddler, mom couldn't understand why i was crying all the time. She said i'd just stand at the door, looking out of the house, and cried and cried and cried. She said i must be missing grandma and aunts very much, and didn't want to be in that home which i had no bonding at all.
Then naturally, mom's favourite child was, and always has been, my elder brother. I remember that my brother could get anything he wanted by just asking for it, while i would save up my own pocket money to buy the things i wanted.
I also remember one instance during a meal, mom kept putting the veggie and meat into my brother's bowl while i ate on my own, until dad asked her, "why aren't you getting any dishes for Pin?"
There was also a time that brother did something wrong (which i can't recall what it was) and dad was reprimanding him. Mom was at the side and wanted to stop dad from scolding brother further, so she said, "Pin was also at fault lah", which at that time, in my little heart, i felt so accused and didn't know what i had done at all.
So since young, i've been an obedient little girl. I studied well and behaved well. I've never gone through any rebellious stage in my teens, and had always been a sensible girl. I wanted to be the good kid that my mom would love. But as time goes by, i realised that no matter how good i am compared to my brother, i could never ever be the apple of her eye. There is simply no reason for it. This is how it is and i just have to accept it.
Yet, i want to be loved so much. When i was with my first boyfriend, i thought he was the one. Turned out he broke my heart.
Then 8 years ago, i felt that my constant quest for love and happiness have finally come to an end, for i thought i've finally found love, or love had found me. I thought i've finally met the person who would love me for who i am, and would love me the most in his life, forever.
Yet again, i was wrong. I had my heart broken again, into million pieces this time.
I can't help but wonder sometimes, perhaps i am a person who can never be the most loved person of another person? Perhaps there's something so wrong with me that i do not deserve to be loved in such magnitude.
So really, is there no one up there who can answer my question -- is what i wanted really too much to ask?
Labels: introspection, love
