Firstly, we will have the cheating husband. Then of course is the outside woman. Let's take the wife out of the picture for the moment.
One scenario is that the husband pretends to be single and develops a relationship with the outside woman. Then the guy's marital status was made known to her later.
Another scenario is that the outside woman knew that the guy is a married man from the very beginning, but still develops a relationship with him.
The excuses that the guy will normally give to the outside woman will be one of the following:
- I no longer have any feelings for my wife, but i can't leave her because of the children. You are the one i love now. Marriage means nothing, so let's just be together and i will take care of you.
- I no longer have any feelings for my wife. You are the one i love now. I will divorce her soon and be with you
- I still have feelings for my wife but it's more like a family than love. You are the one i love now, so let's just be together while i sort out my feelings.
- You are the one i love now but i can't leave my wife for financial/practical reasons. So let's just be together while we plan for something for our future together.
For the first scenario, i've heard of several different development of the story, real stories i mean.
One is that the outside woman, after knowing the man lying to her about his marital status, decided to stop the relationship with him. She went through very difficult time because she had already fallen in love with him, but she knew that it was the right thing to do. She found her own happiness too in the end.
Another story is YY's case, whereby that China woman, after being told that he was married, she still continued the relationship with him and even went all the way to have sex and planned to be with him three years later while making use of the wife financially during that period.
Initially i've hoped that she was indeed the kind of good woman as YY described. So i forced YY to tell her about his marital status when they had started dating for just about a month, thinking that she would then chose to end the affair from her end when the relationship hadn't gotten so deep yet. But instead, the reply that she gave was that "under the circumstances of not hurting anyone, i'd insist to continue our relationship." ("在不伤害到她人的情况下，我会坚持继续")
Ok, unless you have the same twisted logic as this woman, you should be saying "DUH!" by now. How the f*ck can you be a third party to a marriage and yet do not hurt anyone at all, especially the wife? The very act of involving with a married man is already hurting the others, not only the wife but also both families, and even the husband and herself in the long run! Yet, she used such illogical excuse as self-justification to continue the indecent relationship. And the most ridiculous part is that the man actually did not see anything wrong with this and still think that this is a good woman? Please define good for me (unless he is talking about good in showing all the TLC to men and good in bed, then i'd have nothing to say).
Then let's look at the reason that was given to her. It wasn't reason 1 since we do not have any kids. So let's say it was reason 2, 3 or 4.
Actually i know that it wasn't reason 2. There was one instance that YY had decided to leave me for her and told her about it. Now that the man who claimed to love you had finally decided to leave the wife and be with you, you should rejoice over it. Yet, she actually stopped him from doing so. If she stopped him from doing so because of not wanting to break up a marriage and then decided to leave him, then i'd say probably she realised her wrong-doing at a later stage and is pardonable. But she stopped him for another reason.
Here are her messages to him on why he shouldn't leave me:
"不可以，你不能这样做。你们不能分开的。特别是现在这个时候。"
Translation: "No, you can't do this. You two cannot be separated, especially now."
[Why not if you love him so much, and had already planned to be together? What's the difference between leaving the wife now and future? It's the money!]
"我们不是说好了吗？你们的房子车子很多东西，关于经济上的问题，这些都很重要。你一定不能和她分开。听我的好吗？"
Translation: "Didn't we agree on this? Your house, car and many other things, all the financial issues, all these are very important. You must not be separated from her. You listen to me, ok?"
[WTF? All the financial things are "very important"? More important than love itself? Isn't it obvious that what her priority is? If she really loves him so much, why can't she work hard together with him for all those material things like i was doing over all these years? Has she no conscience at all in thinking of making use of the wife like that? And the part on "didn't we agree on this" simply showed that they had been scheming about it together on this!]
"你不能和她分开，知道吗？你一定要答应我！"
Translation: "You cannot split up with her, understand? You must promise me!"
[Duh? Then why the heck did you want to develop a relationship with him when you do not want him to leave the wife? Then what did all the "i love you", "i miss you", "i don't want to leave you", "i'm working towards our future together", and the multiple times of sex mean to her? Just for fun? Just a temporary affair? Or she is more than happy to be a mistress?]
Ok, so you stopped the guy from leaving his wife because of financial reasons? Please tell me straight in the face that this is the quality of a good woman. If she is good, then i'd be called perfect.
Now let's move on to reason 3. If she indeed genuinely felt that she didn't wanna be the third party that broke up the marriage, which was what she kept on proclaiming to YY (to appear as if she was forced into being a 3rd party), then she would have kept a distance from him first and let him calm down to think through his own feelings. That was exactly what i did actually.
When i got to know about his change of heart, i asked him to think it through, and if his decision was to be with her then i'd let him go willingly. That was because i love him so much that i just want him to be with the person he truly loves and not to bind him down with a piece of marriage cert. In the meantime, i left him alone, hoping that he could sort out his feelings in a clear mind. This turned out to be a move that the China woman had wanted, as after i moved out, she actually increased the dosage of her TLC drugs on him, kept pouring all the sweet words on him non-stop everyday, making the guy even more mesmerised by her.
(Really, when i analysed her messages to him, there was a significant difference in the usage of words before and after i moved out. Her declarations of her mushy feelings actually became more obvious and frequent. But then, of course i won't discount the possibility that it might be because YY became more daring in his words towards her too and hers were just reciprocal replies)
As for reason 4, need i say anything more? What kind of woman would actually agree to such proposal of cheating the wife? Only those who are extremely selfish and put money as priority. And being a woman herself, has she just stopped for a moment and put herself in my shoe, asking herself, "what if it is my husband who is doing this to me, making use of me financially while fooling around with another woman behind my back, and then dump me three years later? How would i feel? Will i be able to take it?" To think that she has gone through a failed marriage herself too, and she has a daughter for God's sake! Has she ever thought about what if her future son-in-law treats her own daughter the very same way? How would she feel then? And please tell me again that this is the material of a good woman? Tell me then, really, what is the definition of good?
And despite all these things that this China woman did to me, i still thought of the 1% possibility that she might actually be good as what YY claimed. I asked myself, "if i were her, came all the way to a foreign country to work, met a man whom i thought was good, fell in love with him and even had sex with him multiple times, and then he just dumped me after that, wouldn't i be heart-broken?" Having this thought, i think that she'd be very pitiful and it'd be very sinful if YY really did this to her, even if there is only 1% of possibility. I thought that since there is already no turning back on our relationship, then might as well they be together happily. I even told my mother-in-law that maybe this woman is really not as what we think she is and asked my mother-in-law to at least try to understand her first. Now of course i realised that i've actually been too busy-body for doing so, because it's her son that we are talking about here, and it's their family matters and none of my business already.
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So what's the point of all the above beside i'm ranting?
First of all, i need to stress that i'm not pushing all the blame to that China woman. YY is definitely the one who's at wrong first, but then she is actually equally at fault too.
Well, the thing is this: till this day, this China woman is still a good woman in his heart, and he kept on defending her whenever his family or others attempted to tell him otherwise. And i am very much insulted by this.
As i've said, there are things in life that should be very clear-cut, right is right, wrong is wrong; and good is good, bad is bad.
To engage in job that provides sexuality for money (for whatever reason), that is wrong and bad.
To knowingly develop a relationship and have sex with a married man, that is wrong and bad.
To devise evil scheme that makes use and hurt others, that is wrong and bad.
Yet, all these do not affect his perception on her at all. To him, all these do not matter at all and she is still a good woman whom he could fall in love deeply with.
Then, what does that make of me?
Woman like her and woman like me is totally mutually exclusive. If i was the type whom he would love and married, and yet she is also the type whom he could love and considered to be with, then does it mean that i'm in the same category as her in his eyes?
I totally resent that; for a person like me who have wanted to be good and do good all my life, to be put on the same scale as her simply disgusts me to the core.
The irony is that he has an aunt whom husband has a mistress and his aunt was forced to accept the mistress into the family as second wife because the mistress was pregnant. YY had told me about his perception on that second wife, and he believed that she is not really a good woman. He had passed similar comments before too about other women who came in between a marriage.
But when it was his mistress, he holds totally different opinion. So it's not that he does not understand what is wrong and bad, it's just that he has different standards for different people.
And frankly, i will forgive him one day on the things he did to me. In fact, i may probably even be able to forgive that China woman one day too. Yet, what i cannot accept ever is such personal values in life.
YY's values have changed totally through this incident. I cannot accept that he views such women as good and harmless. Before this incident, he and this kind of women are also mutually exclusive, and he was very wary of them as well. But now, not only did he have a taste of them, feel that they are not that bad after all, and had even gotten into their social circle. Men like this will be very prone to become "serial cheater". They will fall for such women again in future, while such women would not hesitate to come into a marriage at all. Basically, i do not think that he had really learnt his lesson totally; rather, his values became twisted instead.
Besides losing all the trust in him and being so deeply hurt and betrayed, his failure to see through and realise the danger of such women is also one of the reasons that i could never be with him ever again.
We had walked through the journey of life hand-in-hand for so many years, and we shared common goals in life, same tastes about things, similar opinions on issues and even sharing certain interests. Then unknowingly, we let go of each other's hands and started to walk different paths. That has become an irreconcilable difference between us that destines the doom of our marriage.
Labels: rant
