Married and Cheating: You May Never Get This Back
After countless denials even after being presented with the evidence, your spouse finally admits they have been cheating on you. Then come the mind games. You are the reason they went looking for love in all the wrong places. If only you had made the extra effort to understand their desires and needs. You inform them that you did make the extra effort and tried everything within your power to converse and keep the lines of communication open; the problem is they never reciprocated.
Then sooner or later they reach for one of the oldest tricks in the marriage infidelity book. Whether the affair happened a year, a month or one hour ago, the cheating spouse now resorts to the hurt victim routine. "Okay it happened, it's over. How long are you going to hold it against me? Can't we just forget it and move on? You know how I feel about you."
There maybe a different variation on these quotes and the time frame may even extend to years since the extramarital affair took place but what that statement makes crystal clear is they still don't get it.
Number one it's hard to forget about cheating on a spouse when it is without a doubt the definitive act of betrayal in a relationship. The hurt cuts deep and no matter how tough many of us play it, we cannot just cut our emotions on and off like some kind of switch. While it is true that you may (and should) move past the betrayal and even forgive your spouse and build a stronger relationship, you are not ever going to forget it. A cheating spouse that does not accept this is not dealing with reality.
But the main reason countless relationships come to an end or are never the same after an extramarital affair becomes known is that the bond holding marriages together has been destroyed. Trust.
The early part of a relationship usually has plenty of romance, fun and excitement. As two people grow more intimate, it is only natural that trust take its rightful place within the relationship. Trying to build a life together without it is next to impossible. But having it taken away from you because of someone's thoughtlessness and selfishness is excruciating.
Of course it is not just the physical. That is where way too many a cheating spouse starts and ends their reasoning process. They really do not get the fact that every investment the both of you made into the relationship has been wiped out. Losing the time, energy and financial is part of the equation but more than anything material, it is the emotional and spiritual investment which are the real casualties. How do you get them back? Sure a very good marriage counselor or clergy can help you through the process but you know they cannot restore what was never in their power to give.
Forgiving an extramarital affair takes a lot of strength and courage which many of us may have but are not willing to utilize. That's understandable since there is aura of finality to cheating on a spouse. Yet even if you can bring yourself to forgive wholeheartedly and work like crazy to continue the relationship, there will always be nagging questions that will pop up from time to time. Breaking a trust will do that.
For those who are struggling in coping with your spouse's cheating, do recognise how difficult it is to forgive and to carry on with the marriage. Ask yourself, "Do you really have what it takes to continue the relationship, despite the absence of trust and love in its fullest form? Are you sure a marriage without trust can be truly blissful?"
For those who had cheated, do understand that your spouse may forgive but can never forget. Ask yourself, "Can you continue the relationship by accepting sincerely that your spouse will no longer have the full trust and love for you, and everything can never be the same ever again? Will you not use this as an excuse years later to have another affair again?"
And finally, for those who are on the verge of crossing the line, think twice or even thrice. You do NOT want to go there. Really, i'm not kidding you. You will come to regret it one day if you do.
Labels: love
