Yes, i am now 4 hours into being 35 years old, and probably having lived half of my life already. For the obvious reason, i'm feeling deep sadness in my heart.
I read back on my previous posts on my birthday for the past 5 years (the first post of this blog was about my 30th birthday, so that counted as one too), and i was always having great hope for the future, despite being all contemplative over life and such.
Yet, this year, i seriously do not know what to hope for anymore. I hate my own birthday now, for it reminded me of last year when my husband met that woman for the first time just the day before my birthday and might probably having his thought occupied by her on my birthday, unbeknownst to me of course. While i am doing my best everyday, working hard and pushing myself to move forward and not to look back, the past keeps having its hand on one my legs, pulling me back. I just have to continue walking, dragging and limping with that heavy weights on my leg.
The age of 34 is a very unforgettable year to me, for all the wrong reasons. I feel it is the age that i've aged the most, but at the same time, had grown in wisdom too. To me, life is totally different now. I'm onto a different path, and i have totally no idea where i am heading to.
Well, to put it more appropriately, i have no clue as to where i want to head to. If there's anything that i have learnt from the ordeal that i've been through, that is i realised my life is no longer about what i want anymore. Actually that applies to the life of every being in this world. Seriously, we can wish, hope and pray for the things we want in our lives, but in the end it still lies in the hand of God. We do not always get what we want; in fact, more often than not, we never really get what we want.
The most difficult part on my birthday is that i always get the feeling that i've wasted my life away. As years go by, the feeling of regrets adds on. I know there's no point in being regretful over the things in the past, but the feeling just eats me away on this day, pounding my heart, reminding me of all the wrong choices i had made, telling me that i could have and should have walked different paths at many junctures in life.
Thirty-five years old, and i feel so so so so so old. I am so tired, both physically and mentally. Perhaps it's a good thing that i am back from USA only today, so that i can stay at home and rest for a while. The pathetic part is perhaps that i will have to spend the day alone, without any loved ones by my side.
But then, i will probably be alone for the rest of my life, so i gotta really learn how to live with myself, by myself, and for myself.
Labels: introspection
