Cogito ergo scribo

Today, i did my best to be friendly and not to show my unhappiness for the whole day in the office, when actually i was feeling extremely upset.

This morning while i was guiding the users on testing the new system, the female manager of my department asked me to her desk for a while. I thought she wanted me to update her on the status of the user testing since she was away on course on last Thursday and Friday. It turned out that it wasn't so. She actually wanted to tell me other things, which essentially spoilt my day, or perhaps even the whole week ahead.

She had an issue with me on something i had put together with the consultant. Basically, i made changes to something she had drafted earlier with the advice from the consultant and with my knowledge of the system. What upset me wasn't about the work, but how she (and probably others too) viewed me.

She said to me, not in exact words but something along this line, "Don't mind me saying this, ok? I know that you were with that solution center before, but we gotta make sure all scenarios are tested by the users and not just removed something based on the consultant's words."

Even though i know that she's a nice person and meant nothing bad in saying that, i did (and still do) mind what she said. That is equivalent to doubting my professionalism and accusing me of standing by my ex-employer at the expense of my current company. What's the point of hiring me if you can't trust me?

I'm not sure why and how she came to such conclusion about me. Maybe it's because of me lunching with the consultant all the time. Maybe it's because of that f*cking senior said something about me to her (that piece of work was also the part where the f*cking senior had tried to find fault with). Maybe some users really gave her some feedback. Whatever it was, she (or they) was just reading too much into it. I was hired to do a job, and i'm just doing it to my best ability, NOT under the influence of anyone.

Of course i didn't show my resentment and i just kept quiet. She has been working in this company for more than a decade and is an important person in my department as well as the company. The two IT Directors trust her very much and it would be stupid of me to mess with her. The problem was that the f*cking senior has been working with her for a long time and if he wanna say anything to her, i bet she's gonna believe him totally.

And about the lunch thingy. I don't know why it has to be so difficult. I lunch with the consultant not because i didn't wanna mix with new colleagues. It was because i felt that it's only basic courtesy and being considerate to be a good host and make sure that someone from outside of our company was well taken care of. These colleagues left me, a new comer, all alone by myself for lunch, but that doesn't mean that i should behave like them and do the same to the consultant. (The consultant told me that they left her all alone for lunch too.) Even if this consultant wasn't my ex-colleague, i would have done the same too. It wasn't about me wanting to be with my ex-colleague. Heck, i wasn't even close to her when i was with the solution center. It was just about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Gee, this is only my third week on the job and i'm already troubled by such shit. All i want is just to do my work and be who i am. Yet, whenever there are human, there bound to be people problems.

Darn, i hate office politics.

Labels: rant, work