I'm going to yet another treasure hunt tomorrow.
It was the toughest i've ever had so far... the resignation yesterday.
I hope i could feel less guilty about it, but the fact is that, even though i don't think it's wrong to seek for greener pasture, i do feel that i've somewhat done wrong to my boss. 贝 said that it wasn't as if i hadn't been doing anything for the company. I contributed a lot and shouldn't feel that it was wrong of me to leave the company.
But still, my boss was the one who got me out of the slump from last company and gave me a high jump in my salary. He gave me a good review on my work performance and was appreciative of my contribution. He made special arrangement for my increment and had been very good to me all the while. How could i possibly not feel bad about leaving with all the things he had done for me?
And the timing of my departure also added on to my guilt.
The system performance has been deteriorating since a few months back and our incompetent consultants couldn't do anything about it. Everyone in the company hates the system, as it has made the users' job more difficult now than last time when they were using a 20 years old legacy system. The situation has gotten so bad that the top management was putting pressure on my boss to get things right.
In the midst of all these troubles, the next phase of system implementation still gotta go on. My boss couldn't afford to lose anyone now, especially at a time when his head is already on the chopping board.
With all these compounding factors, my conscience was really killing me.
Yesterday, i went to work heavy-hearted, even though i should be feeling ecstatic about getting a new job. I printed out the resignation letter in the morning and was gathering up my courage to talk to my boss. Then i waited for the whole morning but he was in a meeting until 11am+. When he got back to his cubicle, i immediately went to him and told him that i had a bad news for him. I then handed him the letter and said that i was tendering my resignation.
What followed was something that i'd rather forget, because it was really unlike me to lose my composure at work. I cried... ok, not those wailing kind of crying; i shed some tears in front of my boss.
When i broke the news to him, his looked totally shocked. There was actually a meeting at 11pm and i asked him if we could talk about it after the meeting, but he insisted to know about the reason for my resignation. So we sat down for about 30 minutes and had everyone waited for us in the meeting.
I told him that i simply don't fit in because the corporate culture is very different from how i'd like to approach my work. I briefly mentioned about how chaotic the department is and how everyone is caught up in the daily tasks of fire-fighting and no one cares about improving things. I also said that i can't work with the consultants because their way of working is just the opposite of mine, and it reminded me of why i had left them a few years ago. I told him that i wasn't happy working in such environment.
Then my boss blamed himself for everything. He said if he had done better planning, or if he had more frequent meetings and updates with the whole department, i might not have wanted to leave. He kept on hinting that he hadn't been doing a good job as a boss and hence my intention to leave. While he was putting the blame on himself, he looked at me with his big blue eyes, full of sincerity and sadness, and that made me feel so so so so bad. That was when the emotional side of me took control and reduced me to tears. Darn, i think blue eyes have this kind of effect on people.
While wiping away my tears, i said to him that he was making it very difficult for me. He then asked me to reconsider over the weekend, but i rejected his request outright (see, shedding tears doesn't mean that i'm weak). I told him that i've gotten a good offer else where and i would not change my mind about my departure.
And with that, there was nothing much to say anymore. I had actually been thinking about 101 things to say to him when i wanna tender my resignation, but when the time really came, all i could say was just so little. Sigh, i never thought it would be like that. I just don't like being put in a position as if i've made a good person suffers.
Anyway, i'm glad that it was over. Now i will have to adjust myself mentally and start to feel the joy in welcoming new challenges.
Labels: work
