Had dinner with 贝 today. I thought it would be good to return to the "pat tuo" (dating) days as a way to rebuild our relationship.
It was fine at first, but then towards the end of the "date", the sadness came attacking again. The painful memories flashed back, and i felt deep sorrow in my heart. I wondered at every sms if it was from her, i wondered if they had shared a plate of dish like we did, i wondered if he enjoyed the meal with her more than with me, i wondered if he was waiting to go back and make the routine daily call to her, i wondered...
All these thoughts are tormenting my mind and soul. I know that i am not there yet, still far from the point of recovery. I don't know how long it will take me to regain that trust in him and that confidence in his love for me. I am working very hard, pushing myself to work on forgiveness. I take one step forward, one day at a time, but then in some days i may just fall a few steps back again.
I learnt that forgiveness is a life-long journey, and there is no destination. I may feel that i have forgiven the wrong one day, and then the next i may need to start the journey all over again. I am not sure why God wants to put me through this difficult path in life. I want to believe that there is indeed a purpose to all these sufferings, and i won't know it until years later. I just have to be patient and persevere, the virtues that are lacking in me. Perhaps these are the very things that He wants me to learn, and to learn it the hard way. Whatever it is, i would not know. I will just have to do my best and wait for it to be revealed.
Am leaving for KL tomorrow for three days. It may be good for me to get out of here for a short while. At least i can get to live a more comfortable life for a few good days in hotel, probably as a reward to myself for surviving through more than a month of ordeal.
Labels: introspection
