Mom and aunt were away for this weekend, and YY decided to come over to pick up his things while mom wasn't around. Basically, he wanna avoid seeing anyone from my side. Everyone has been telling me that he has no guts; he did not even bother to call my mom to at least apologise, after all the years that my mom treated him like half-son.
That's the difference between he and i. I could have just called my in-laws over the phone to tell them that i want a divorce, but i felt that i have a duty as daughter-in-law to inform the elderly in person and apologise for the end of the marriage (even though it is of no fault of mine). I spent money on the air ticket to fly all the way to BM, and broke the news to them when the whole family was around. On the contrary, he couldn't face any of my family or friends. He had been trying to avoid meeting them all the time. This is the difference between a person who is aboveboard and one who has done great wrong. For the rest of my life, i can face anyone with my head up high, while he will want to hide away from the people.
So back to why i slept for such short hour last night. Well, Sui came over to accompany me as well as helped me to pack YY's stuff. Oh yes, 8 years are really a very long time. He had a lot of stuff at my JB home. He only had Sunday morning to clear it, so we decided that we ought to help him pack so that he could complete everything within a few hours.
Yes, everyone in the world does not understand me at all. Everyone is saying that i am just being too good to him until the extent of stupidity. They said all women who had been betrayed like this would just throw out all his stuff or sell them off. Yet, not only i warned my mom several times not to touch his things, told her to give him some time to clear his stuff, and now i even helped him to pack things nicely into boxes. I told them that i do not believe in hatred and revenge; i don't see a point in messing with his things. They told me that he would not appreciate any of the things i did for him and would only think it is something i should do anyway. But then, love is illogical, remember?
Then early this morning, he came to pick things up. I saw him driving a SG plated car instead of sent by a friend. I had already guessed that he would rent a car to come in to JB to clear his outstanding things, and more importantly, to spend time with that woman whom he misses and loves so deeply now.
Anyway, he saw Sui's car and asked me who was with me. When he knew that Sui was around, he wanted to avoid meeting her but i told him that i would be going back to SG early due to no one was around. I didn't drive my car back this weekend because i've sold it and the car agent will be picking up the car tomorrow. I do not want to pump any more petrol and increase anymore mileage, which was already so high that resulted in not able to sell it for any higher price.
He didn't even bother to ask me how i was going to return to SG and never offered a ride too. Yes, it was silly of me to even think that he might ask; really, what happens to me or what i do is of no concern to him anymore, so why should he cares. And he probably needs to see that woman again after his badminton game. So how can he offer a ride for me at all?!
He was pissed when he knew that he had no choice but to face Sui. So he came into the house and didn't even have any eye contact with Sui at all. He just proceeded to pack his stuff a-matter-of-factly. He took it as if the whole process was simply "business only, nothing personal".
During the time he was packing, i was watching him to ensure he did not miss out anything, and also to help him out a bit so as to speed up the process. It was yet another torture to me. My heart was hurting, seeing that he was totally indifferent about this, as if it was just a tenant moving out from a house he rented.
But to me, everything he put into the box and everything he threw away (yes, he threw away lots of things, even some that were of "our memories only") was just a symbol of he erasing all the happy moments that we were together and his love forever lost for me, one-by-one, piece-by-piece. I have become just an ex-girlfriend and ex-wife to him now; a picture and memento that he keeps, that's all.
Since divorce is the definite route to take already, his departure from my life is already confirmed. Yet, knowing and actually seeing it is different. Seeing he packed his stuff and to step out of my life forever, i felt my heart bleeding. It is real, right in front of my eye, the end of our long love story. THE END.
I did my best to withhold me emotions and talked to him calmly, though there were several times that my tears were rolling in my eyes already. He left quite some stuff behind for his sister to pick up a week or two later. The car he drove was only able to take that much of stuff, and our home already could not accommodate too many things.
So there it is, slowly he will fade out of my life. I am on my own, once again. Only this time, the hurt is so much deeper that the scar is gonna be permanent.
Labels: love
