What i do regret though was getting married. How i wish the marriage had never taken place, but then all are too late already.
I believe YY regrets about getting married too, with him so deeply in love with that China woman now. If he's still single, what he did would not have been a sin, and the world wouldn't be crucifying their love now. He can just have the change of heart without even have to resort to cheating; he can openly be together with her now without have to lie to anyone.
In fact, sometimes i even wonder if he regrets about the past 8 years with me. Perhaps he is saying to himself that how he wishes the person whom he met 8 years ago was her and not me.
He had told me before that he does not regret any of these that has happened. He also said to me that he believes it is fate that for the two of them to meet each other and to fall in love. So basically, he would still wanna go through all these, including hurting me and everyone around us, than not have the chance to meet and love her.
The ironic part is that we had talked about something similar before many years ago, about us. We said that maybe it was fate for me to be hurt by my first boyfriend so that i'd come to SG to meet him, who was with his first girlfriend at that time. If it were not for both our first love, we would not have met each other in SG and fall in love. We agreed that it was our destiny.
Of course, it turned out that it wasn't. Or rather, fate or destiny only applies to people who are in love.
I guess he feels that anything that happened to him and the people around him does not really matter; she is worth everything that happened. Knowing him, there's no surprise in his such thoughts. He's the kind of guy who is once smitten with a woman, he would become mesmerised, or obsessive even. He will feel that the woman is the love of his life, that he wanna protect her from all harm and hurt, that she is the most important person in his life (even above the family), that he's willing to give up everything for her, and that he wants to be with her forever.
Well, basically, he's in love again for the 3rd time in his life. The syndromes are exactly the same. Sadly, this also means that he had not grown up at all over all these years.
As for me, since i found out the affair, i had been in the pain. Despite all these, i've never stopped loving him, even until now. Yet, i do know that he is a different person to me now, and my love does not mean a thing to him anymore. With all the he had done and still doing, he is no longer a person worthy for my love anymore. My love is sacred, and only those who truly deserve it should get it.
During all these time, i've been writing emails to him. Back in April when i was working on reconciliation, after he had sex for the first time with that woman (which i did not know of), he wrote to me saying that he was a jerk who's not worthy of my love and deserve someone better. And my reply to him was this:
贝，你不是一个烂男人。请不要这样说我爱的人，难道你觉得我会爱一个“烂人”8年并嫁给他吗？
...
而我，虽然被你的变心和一些自私的行为深深的伤害了，却依然无损我对你的爱。你也知道，我一向都把“爱”视为很崇高、纯洁的，有种近乎“爱的洁癖”。其实，我这种不切实际的想法，在现实社会是行不通的。但也因为这样，我才不会因为被伤害后，就不再相信爱情。我就是那样一个无可救药的“爱情主义者”，我相信真爱是存在的，有些人很幸运的拥有它，而有些人终其一生都没遇到过。
我确信我拥有真爱，过去8年的日子，我从来不质疑你对我的爱。现在，因为这件事，我质疑着的也只是现在你的爱是否已淡去，而我要的，只是来自你的肯定，真真正正的以行动证明，你的一时迷惑，并不代表着你对我的爱已逝去。这也是我天真的、一厢情愿的要自己相信的事，所以我昨天对你说，只要你肯承认你的爱已不在，那么我也就会死了这条心；但若你很肯定不是的，那么就做些什么让我再次的感受到爱吧！毕竟，这次的事伤我至深，所以要感觉到的爱也就要更强烈，所以你也必须努力了再努力，毕竟“没有付出，就没有收获”，不是吗？若你觉得我还值得你付出的话，那么你也一定会做到的。
至于，你是不是真的不爱我呢？其实我相信，你是爱的，只是还不了解爱的真谛，还没明白到，爱是无私和奉献。我也不尽然的了解并可以做到这一点，但至少我明白，也尝试的在做着，希望你也会有明白爱的真谛的一天。
还有，我也再一次的要告诉你，不论任何人怎么说，又或是你心里怎么想，你永远都是值得的。为自己所爱的人付出，就算焦头烂额，又有什么不值得的呢？人生最重要的就是不要让自己有遗憾，不论我们最后怎样，我都能在我死去的那一天，告诉自己，我曾为我挚爱的人全心全意的付出过，那么死也无憾了。
“我值得更好的”？谁是“更好的”？全世界那么多人，没有一个是完美的，总是会有更好的人出现。我不是说过一个故事吗？有一个人，抱着一块好木头进入树林，发现了更好的木，便放下手中的那块而去拿起另一块。他一路走着，一路看都更好的木，便一直换新的木头。最后，当他走出树林时，他的双手是空的，一块木头也没有了。难道你不了解吗？当你爱一个人的时候，那个人对你而言，就是“最好的”了，世界上是没有“更好的”了。
...
I still naively believed that he does love me and was only lost at that moment. Perhaps i couldn't accept the fact yet at that time, about he actually no longer loves me since years ago.
I wrote to him a short email again in May:
我爱你，从来没有停止过，不论被伤害了多少次。
我会愤怒，会失望，会歇斯底里，会难过悲哀。。。这些都是因为爱你太深。
伤害是毁灭了信任和信心，但爱却没有丝毫的减退。这是你一定要相信我的。
不管你或任何人怎么想，对我而言，你永远都是值得的。
You know, what i said about he's worth everything that i have done for him, i really meant it. Even today i still stand by what i said.
Really, to do everything we can for the person we love, even when it means to be hurt deeply, is that not worth it?
There's a saying that goes, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
Uh huh, to truly love a person is to really love without reservation. I've done that, for him, and i'm sure that no one else in this world would ever do that for him, especially not this China woman.
Everything i did for him over all those years and in the past few months, are all worth it, simply because he was the person i truly love with my heart and soul. I have truly loved, wholeheartedly, without reservation. I gave all i could and i have no regrets.
Yet, it's time to stop already. The person whom he is now is no longer the same person i loved. As i said before, YY is not 贝. The 贝 who worth everything i did is already dead. The YY now, well, does not worth it at all.
Labels: love
