The funny thing is this -- he continuing the affair is already a fact that i know, and can't change. So why do i still feel upset about it?
I think the reason is pretty much like knowing the fact that serious corruption issues exist in Malaysia, but we still feel upset when we hear stories or news about it.
Yes, i think the feeling of upset mainly originated from great disappointment and being continuously betrayed.
I, and many others, had thought that my leaving him will give him a hard blow and he will finally turn over a new leaf. This was based on the assumption that i am indeed the most important person in his life. When you lose someone or something so important to you, it will change you forever. And if the loss is a result of your own wrong doing, it will certainly make you regret, remorse and then repent; you will then become a better person.
Yet of course, our assumption was totally wrong. Well, to put it correctly, this assumption would probably be right 6 months ago, but now, it is just a joke. Hahaha, yes, it is a joke. You'd better laugh at it.
The fact is that i am now an unimportant person to him. He of course would feel a sense of loss, because after all, we had been together for so long. He was just so used to having me around. It has nothing to do with love or anything. It's just a habit; kicking off a habit is not life-changing or whatsoever.
Then it also gets back to the fact about how he is still lying through his teeth, with such convincing act of sincerity, to his own family! Yes, his parents who are so distress over this incident and even fell sick because of it. It was the exact same tactics he used on me but now on his own family. What he is pulling now, delivering all the lies in such sincere conviction, was something he picked up over these past few months of cheating, only it has become even more refined now with all the hands-on training from me -- you know, my every discovery only taught him how to be a better liar and cheater. I pity his next wife; she will have problems tracking his extramarital affair in future.
So back to the point about me being upset over this... Well, probably the part that i still find hard to accept is that how bad a person he is. I wanna believe the good in him, and hence i carry the hope that he will repent and amend his sins. Yet, not only that he still does not, he is actually taking it even further. You cannot imagine the kind of disappointment i have, and wonder in my heart if there will ever be salvation for him if he just wants to carry on like this without a single hint of guilt and penance.
Everyone has been telling me to stop caring about what will happen to him. He chose this path and wanted to walk the road of destruction willingly, even though he can't see it himself. He is an individual who has to be responsible for his own choices and actions. All those years, i had been by his side, guiding him with my love and support on what is right and wrong. Now, my guidance, opinion and advice are actually nothing but nuisances to him, adding on to his loathe for me. So why do i even bother really?
Why? Well, just for the fact that i still love him despite all that he had done to me and how much he had hurt me. No one would ever want to see the person she loves ends up in a dire state, and such outcome is already foreseeable by everyone except himself.
Everyone is right, you know. I've done my best, or even exceeded my best. I've done enough, or even too much. It's really time to stop already, including taking back my love bit-by-bit. It's not easy, but i gotta do it. Now every bit of my love should be geared towards myself, those around me who truly love me, and for the greater good. It is a waste to be used on a person who does not treasure it and chuck it aside like rubbish.
Labels: introspection, love
