Well, she is right about one thing, that i am not ready to move on yet. I know that once i decided to move on, it will be full force ahead. I will not want to look back anymore. I will have to force myself to stop loving 贝, to get rid of him from my heart. It's not gonna be easy but i'll have to be determined and i must do it.
That's probably why i am still reluctant in my heart. I told myself, just a while more, just a while more... i can't bear to let him go, out of my life forever. To cut him off my life is just like taking a part of my soul away. Even if i am sad or angry, at least i'm still having him in my heart and in my mind.
But trust me, the time is near already. To continue on like this is detrimental to my well-being, whether my health or career. It may even hurt the people around me who love and care about me. I know that i gotta stop this grieving soon instead of dragging it on.
Actually what i'm doing here -- blog and blog and blog, it a form of healing too.
Writing exactly how you feel without fear of anyone else seeing it, could help immensely. When you write your feelings, you feel the writing instrument in your hands, you see it with your eyes and if you read it out loud, you hear it. Using your senses in this way instead of just thinking the thoughts is a more effective way to fully express your pain, fears, disappointments, hopes, and understanding. Which… makes for a faster healing. [source]
And what i really want to achieve, probably years later, is to forgive. As i mentioned before:
I must build in my mind just these beliefs: forgiveness is not about doing it for his sake, but for my own. Forgiveness is not about asking to forget the event or to never be hurt again, but to have the confidence that we will grow from the pain and able to live freer and happier life. Forgiveness is to truly let go of all the bitterness and to achieve inner peace.
This is very very very tough for me, to learn how to forgive. It takes lots of courage and requires strong determination. Whether i will be with him in the end or not, i must forgive and move on; i must only look forward and not look back; i must make my peace with the event and with myself, and not being hurt over and over again by dwelling on to it.
And here's what i read from the same site:
It took me years to understand why people were telling me I had to forgive before I would feel better. I wasn’t the one who was unfaithful...
... I was not forgiving the sins, but I was forgiving the human weakness of a spouse that I had given all of my love to and who, had betrayed me.
Finally, letting go of that ANGER took away my pain and let me move on with my life. Instead of looking back and holding on to the past, I was able to move forward. DOES ANGER STILL HAVE ITS FINGERS AROUND YOUR THROAT? If a good amount of time has passed and you are still angry, perhaps concentrating on the need for FORGIVENESS will let you experience peace and understanding...
So, to express my emotions and feelings here is a healing process, but to truly heal from it all is to really, truly forgive. Once i can do that, i'd have attained salvation, for both him and myself.
Labels: introspection
