I asked him to look into my eyes and tell me, "I do not love you anymore".
Yes, a lot of people will find this very silly. I mean, he had already told me this loud and clear with his action, so why should i even ask him to say it to me with words.
When the affair was first out in the open back in Mar and i was working on reconciliation with him, i had told him umpteen times that if he could just tell me directly that he does not love me anymore, i will let go of this marriage and relationship and move on. It was a very fair request then, because i was indecisive on whether to carry on or to call it off, due to his half-hearted behaviours towards me. I just wanted him to kill all the hope for me, so that i can make a firm decision.
He had never told me that of course, for the obvious reasons that he couldn't afford to lose the financial well-beings that we had together.
Then now, everything has come to an end. Yet, whenever asked by others, he insisted that he loves me and not that woman. He kept saying that he still loves me and does not want a divorce.
I am very upset about this.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. I believe he should know all these proverbs. He has proven with his ACTIONS that he loves that woman and not me. All that he had done show that his love for me was already gone.
In fact, he admitted it himself that his feeling for me had changed over the years and romantic love was no longer there. This was what he told that woman too, that he does have feelings for his wife but the feelings are no longer the same (yes, typical men's excuses for having affairs, and typical justifications for the outside woman too).
Yet, despite his actions and even his own recognition that romantic love is no longer present, he still insists that he loves me and wants to keep the marriage.
I do not want to have a husband who's just like my family, such as having a brother. I want a man who truly loves me as a woman (not as a family member), treasures me and desires me. If i wanted a family member, i could have just gotten some god sisters or god brothers, why the heck i got married for?!
And it infuriates me that he is constantly throwing insult to the sacred thing called "love". Yes, i've said that i'm starting to doubt if true love exists at all in this mortal world, but that doesn't mean that i give up my definition of true love.
What is my definition of true love then? I will put it down in another post, and it is clear then what he has for me now is not love at all.
That was why i wanted him to tell me outright, that he does not love me anymore. On one hand is that i feel he owes me this, in admitting the truth. On the other, i want him to stop insulting "love".
Sadly, he still refused to tell me even though i requested for it. I could feel the heartache at that time and asked him how could he be so selfish, as to keep on holding on to me when he does not love me anymore. He then still insisted that he does, to which i was very very very upset and left the house, with my final remarks to him, "see what you had done to me, and is this your way of loving a person?" Then i sobbed like a baby in the car for a few good minutes, before driving back to my rented place, while still crying on the way.
Seriously, i do not think i can ever understand what's on his mind anymore, even though i've always thought that i was the person on earth who knows him the best. His own words are contradicting, his actions are contradicting... and when a person keeps on doing or saying contradicting things, it only goes to show that it's not true, that he is lying, that he is not sincere.
All i wanted is just a closure to our love, a "i do not love you anymore" kind of full stop to our 8 long years of loving relationship, so that both he and i can finally let go and move on.
Yet, even this he refused to do. I do not think i need to ask again anymore.
Labels: love
