We went to Munich together for training, but i was sent there for one month only while he was for two. Our fondness for each other was developed during our time together there, whereby we spent everyday, every waking hours together.
After i returned to SG, he called me and wrote emails to me almost every single day. His mind was full of me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend very much, while i was hesitant because i wasn't sure if i was ready to start a new relationship, and he had just broken up with his first girlfriend through phone from Munich (because i did not want to be the 3rd party).
I was still healing from the first failed relationship. I broke up with my first boyfriend of 7 years only about 10 months prior to the Munich trip, and my first boyfriend was actually attempting to patch back with me during that time. I did not want to be unfair to YY, for i told him that if i couldn't love a person 100%, i'd rather not love at all. I also told him that i am the kind of gal who once truely loves a person, i'll love with all my heart and soul, and in the end also get hurt deeply too. I described to him how hurtful i was then, and how much sorrow i had in me from the first break-up.
It was a long time ago, and i couldn't really remember clearly on what we had spoken over the phone everyday during that time. But reading our old emails today brought back some of the memories, and i was shocked at the things i wrote to him at that time and the similarities in the event. It was as if i had already predicted my own future and now seeing a history repeating itself.
I liked him very much at that time, but i did feel that this guy was rather immature and i was afraid that he wasn't sure of his real feelings. I was worried that his feelings for me were just a temporary thing, because we were overseas together and had spent so much time together.
At the same time, i knew that i was still afraid to fall in love and then be hurt again. I actually told him that i couldn't go through another heartbreak again, sensing that he might be a person who might break my heart.
He was very persistent, and reassured me with his words and actions on how much he wanted to be the person who would love me and bring me happiness. He sent me gifts, constantly telling me how much he missed and loved me, and even told me that he did not mind if i couldn't love him wholeheartedly yet, as he was willing to spend a lifetime waiting. He promised that he would never make me shed a tear and would bring me only happiness. I was touched by his many sincere gestures then, slowly believing that he was indeed the man of my destiny.
Well, doesn't all these sound familiar?
Yes, first off, what i sensed was correct. He was indeed a man who would break my heart, more extreme than my first boyfriend. Once again, it proves that my 6th sense was eerily accurate, and that was 8 years ago!
Then, it was how he would go head over heels for a woman whom he was totally smitten with, persistently wooing her and doing all kinds of crazy things for her. Basically, it was a history replaying, only differences are that he and i were together for 8 years instead of 3, and i am the wife and not girlfriend.
And the part about how much i was suffering at that time from the first breakup, it was a hundred times worse now. At least at that time, i didn't lose concentration on my job. But this time, i just felt like give up everything and just disappear from the face of the earth.
Lastly, one interesting thing i noticed too was that in one of the emails, he called me "lazy pinpin". Frankly, i couldn't recall this at all until i saw the printout today. Funny that how he had already chosen my blog name back in year 2000 when i only started blogging in 2005. It seems like this name has subconsciously gotten into my head!
So i guess the prophecy was already there, and i was just living it unknowingly.
And now, it's time to live through it.
Labels: love
