I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Monday, August 24, 2009

The past Saturday

Visited YY's new shop yesterday.

Uh huh, he and a few friends from his badminton game opened up a new shop that sells badminton-related goods.

I know that time like this when i'm still working hard in healing from the trauma, i should keep myself away from YY. All my friends are very concerned about my well-being, worrying that i would fall back to depression after going out with him alone. Then all the little improvements that they had seen in me over the past months would just go down the drain.

I wondered about it too, on whether or not it was wise to do so. For me now, nothing is more important than letting go of the hurt and moving on with life. Basically, i gotta be truly happy again, by myself.

But then, YY had requested for my visit, saying that it meant a lot to him for me to see his shop, which only i could understand how much he loves the sports.

Of course, the question would be why i even cared after all that he had done to me. Frankly, i do not have the answer either. It seems to be impossible for me to not to care about him at all.

My own curiosity aside, i was also taking it as a way for him to have his closure since i had mine earlier. I want him to move on with his life too, whether he is still with that China woman, or he is feeling great remorse, or in whatever way. Life goes on for all of us, and we gotta live it to the fullest no matter what, or at least do our best to be happy in life and make it meaningful.

Anyway, it was a quick visit, only for about an hour. YM picked me up from his shop. When i was about to leave, there was this older lady who somehow knew a little bit of the incident came to the shop. She asked YY to leave his office and spoke to me alone. She then kept asking me to re-consider about the divorce and to give YY another chance.

I couldn't help but cried again when she mentioned the affair. I kept telling her that chances had already been given and he didn't treasure it, and everything is too late now. She just kept on persuading me, to which i outright refused and left the shop.

I seriously do not think that anyone is in the position to tell me anything if the person does not know the entire story and had not seen how i suffered at that time. It wasn't just as simple as "oh, your husband had an affair", and then just tell me, "everyone makes mistake in life, so you should pardon him".

A lot more had transpired, some were so ugly that it may probably shadow me a lifetime. Unless the person has also been betrayed and hurt till such extent by a person whom she/he loved so much and trusted her life with, then do not come and question me why i am so unforgiving.

I've said before, i will forgive him one day for sure, but forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation. I want to forgive because i do not want to be bound by the hurt for the rest of my life. I want to be free from all these sorrow and misery, to be at peace with myself again. What i can do is to forgive the human weakness in him, but not to forgive the sins that he committed. I am not in the position to pardon his sins (or hers for that matter); only God can do that.

I just wanna live a normal life again. And seriously, after so many years with my 贝 by my side, now i gotta lead my life alone, and i suddenly found myself in need to redefine what is the so-called normal life.








真心的祝福你 (^_^)

只因你还爱他 你很想爱他
你们的爱 一定会跟幸福遇见

Share your cogitation

Monday, August 24, 2009 @ 2:41 am: Washington DC - Day 2 (I)
Saturday, August 22, 2009 @ 3:25 am: Office move
Friday, August 21, 2009 @ 3:47 am: Not there yet
Thursday, August 20, 2009 @ 4:58 am: DIY 30-Hour Famine (II)
Thursday, August 20, 2009 @ 2:43 am: Some phrases
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 @ 4:25 am: I need to sleep well
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 @ 3:57 am: DIY 30-Hour Famine (I)
Monday, August 17, 2009 @ 1:31 am: Am back, alive
Saturday, August 15, 2009 @ 4:48 am: Weekend activity
Thursday, August 13, 2009 @ 6:13 pm: MC