Almost.
I didn't of course. I managed to get hold of myself in the end. I always do.
Yet, the unpleasant feelings were just all bottling up and i had this indescribable emotion in me that was just waiting to explode. It was as if i was chocking because there was this breath that i couldn't get out from my lungs. It was as if my two eyebrows wanna stick themselves together and i just kept frowning uncontrollably. It was as if i've contracted Parkinson's disease as i could feel the tremors in my hands and legs resulting from the pent-up frustration. It was as if i wanna yell at the top of my lungs, or cry my eyes out, or bang my head against the wall really hard.
Yes, that was how upset i was, and still am.
My distress came not from my work, nor my boyfriend or friends, but my family. Yes, family, the people who should be my pillars of support when i'm faced with all the woes in the world, is the source of my recent torment. If family is not the one to give me strength and comfort, what refuge was left to me then?
I know family frictions are common. I've been waiting for the fiasco to pass, yet it only seemed to worsen. What saddened me the most was knowing that we could have peace if everyone could just abide by all the values they had been preaching to me since young.
What happened to being a magnanimous and kind person? What happened to focusing on the good sides of people instead of dwelling on all the ugly sides? What happened to being aboveboard and not engage in rumours-mongering and back-stabbing? What happened to always remembering the kindness of others and repaying kindness with kindness? What happened to the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you?
So why instilled in me the belief that there are virtues i should strive for in life to become a better person when they can't talk the talk and walk the walk? Were all those things that they had taught me simply empty talks to give me the illusion of righteousness and then only to show me those were mere naiveness on my part?
If only i believe in God, then i could place my hope in prayers and believe that there will be an amicable end to this hoo-ha. If only i could care less about them, then i could give them a piece of my mind and never speak to them ever again.
But i'm a person without faith, and they are among the people who are closest to my heart. I guess that's probably why i'm doomed to be torn apart.
