Somehow, that kinda set my mind at ease.
More than a decade ago, when i was only 18 years old (oh, those days!), i gave up the chance to go to a university renowned in the field of mass communication, which was what i had set out to study when i went overseas. I was deeply in love and my boyfriend at that time had gone to another university that didn't offer degree in mass communication. I decided to go to the same university as him in the end, even though i could get into the top Canadian universities without problem given my academic standing at that time. I told my mom, my friends, and even myself that i chose that university because its tuition fee was cheaper as compared to other universities, and i didn't want to spend too much of the money that dad had left us on my study. But in my heart, i knew very well what the real reason was -- i just wanted to follow my man.
Then, the relationship didn't work out and i got my heart broken into pieces. Have i ever regretted the choice i made years ago? You bet.
I'm not a saint; i do look back in life and ask myself all the what-ifs. It's silly i know, because there are no ifs in life. It was a choice i made and i gotta live with it no matter how it turned out in the end. Life could have been better, or it could have been worse too, if i had chosen a different path. It could have been this, and it could have been that, but i'm living in the now and not in the past. It's the have been that matters, not the could have been.
Now, 13 years later, i could decisively decline a job offer without making up any excuses for myself. I know and admit that 贝 was the main reason for me to reject this rare opportunity. I no longer find the need to justify myself for a decision that may seem silly to many people.
Yes, so many years have passed and that silly helpless little girl is still in me, the girl who's willing to give up anything to follow her love anywhere. What's different now though is that i'm very sure where my heart lies and i'm not ashamed to follow it.
And somehow, i'm very sure too that this is a decision that i'll not regret.
Labels: introspection, love
