It's so much easier for him now than before actually. Now that everything is in the open, and the marriage is confirmed ending already, there is nothing more for him to hesitate and be troubled about. He actually needs not hide his relationship with that woman anymore; he needs not come up with all the lies or trying hard to hide this secrets, and live in constant fear that i'd find out what he did; he needs not divert his time to entertain the wife so as to give her fake hope, and can put his full attention on the woman he loves now. He does not even have to feel any guilt anymore (if he did feel any earlier on) when dating and f*cking that woman, for he is a free man now, who can do whatever he wants without having to answer to anyone anymore. Perhaps the only thing he gotta worry about now is how to continue to keep it under wraps so that his family will not find out, as the parents are still very much against their relationship.
As for me, on the other hand, it is just a start of a long and painful journey. The road of healing is gonna be difficult, and probably will last for a few years. I know myself; i'm an extremely sentimental person and hard to let go of anything that concerns the matter of the heart.
Everywhere and everything is filled with our memories. I can't stay at my own home in JB now because we had spent 8 years of weekends there. The room where we had so many intimate memories; the study room where we watched so many shows together; the living room where we watched TV together...
His stuff is still at my home, and there are also a lot of things that he had given me over the years, or the things that are belong to our shared memories. Even the Crocs sandals that i'm wearing now are the same as his.
All the places around the neighbourhood also remind me of the time we had together -- the malls, the restaurants, the kopitium... It's the same in SG, where we had been to so many places together. It's just him everywhere.
The rented room that i am staying now is very near to the rented house that we had stayed for a year prior to our marriage. It was the place where we prepared for our ROM. Too much memories here, and yet i'm just staying nearby.
The hotel where we held our ROM reception was just around the corner of my office, and once i get rid of the car and start taking MRT, i'll have to pass by it every day from the MRT station.
Coffee... we love coffee, especially Starbucks. We used to have Starbucks breakfast every Friday together. So everytime i had Starbucks coffee or see a Bearista, i'll be reminded of the time we had together.
My mobile phone, digital camera, all my watches, some necklaces, some outfits.... are either gifts from him or we bought together. In fact, i just threw away two pairs of high-heels that i bought specially for ROM and the Chinese tea ceremony, which i had only worn for less than three times. I gotta get rid of the expensive ROM gown too, which i had only worn once so far.
This evening, i drove back to JB alone. We had travelled this route for a few hundred times, with him driving and i sitting beside him. Now, i do it alone, probably for the last time, and it hurt me so much that i was crying out loud all the way to the checkpoint.
I had been suppressing my depressed mood for the whole day, and i really gotta let it out before i got home. I do not want my mom and aunts to cry for me anymore, and that can only be achieved if i don't cry too. This means that whatever i wanna let out, i gotta do it before i reached JB. When i'm home, i gotta let them see a strong daughter/niece, as if i'm alright already. See, now even with my family, i gotta put up a show when i'm hurting so much inside. I really don't know for how long i can do this.
Really, i hate myself for being like this. Why can't i just be more practical and materialistic? Why can't i just see the things as pure "objects" that cost money, instead of memories of love? Why can't i be more like that woman who can do anything for money, which means that i'll then be able to see past the sentimental values of these things and just keep it so that the money is not wasted?
Yet, this is me. Despite my age and working experience, i still hold on to that dream and innocence in my heart. I refuse to let 'em go. The world is an ugly place, i know. But if we stop believing in the goodness and beauty in it, then what is the point of still living really?
Sentimental i am, which destines my agony. Then so be it.
Labels: introspection, rant
