I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Thursday, September 10, 2009


When my 贝 and i was first together, i was so touched by the way that he doted on me. Prior to that, i was in a relationship of 7 years with a boyfriend who didn't really show much care and concerns towards me, and so when i had 贝 as my boyfriend, i felt a totally different kind of love and relationship. He was so loving and caring.

I had always hoped to have someone in my life who would love me whole-heartedly, who would love me so much that he is willing to even pamper me. My 贝 was that person at that time.

I was so happily in love that i remember i once asked him, "Are you for real, or did i actually dream you into reality? Would you just disappear one day because you are not real and simply a dream of mine?"

See, lovers asked silly questions all the time, and that was one of mine.

But then, it also showed that deep down in my heart, i longed to be loved to the greatest extent, and yet i did not believe that there was someone in the world who would indeed do that. Even when i had found happiness, my heart wondered if i really deserved it and if it was for real.

Lately, i've been having this strange feeling that everything was just a dream. What i meant by "everything" was not the heart-breaking affair but that i had been living in a dream for those 8 years. Those years seem to be unreal now to me, probably because the pain is too real and has made the blissfulness seem illusory and distant.

Yes, this is human being. We tend to register painful experience more deeply than the happy ones. Unhappiness is always amplified, while happiness is minified. We focus on our sufferings instead of counting our blessings.

I am, after all, just a human being, sinful and flawed.

So my mind is playing tricks on me lately, as i have this dreamlike feeling that i can't seem to tell if this is reality.

Seriously, i think sleep deprivation has taken its toll on me. I gotta get out of this dazing state of mine. I really ought to get more sleep.


Share your cogitation

Wednesday, September 09, 2009 @ 3:11 am: Still bad mood
Tuesday, September 08, 2009 @ 3:09 am: Bad mood
Monday, September 07, 2009 @ 3:41 am: Random updates
Sunday, September 06, 2009 @ 3:56 am: Sorrow attack
Saturday, September 05, 2009 @ 5:52 am: My cousin
Friday, September 04, 2009 @ 3:24 am: Back in SG
Thursday, September 03, 2009 @ 3:22 am: At work in KL
Wednesday, September 02, 2009 @ 3:06 am: The new girl
Wednesday, September 02, 2009 @ 2:16 am: Even happy food doesn't help
Tuesday, September 01, 2009 @ 1:28 pm: At Changi Airport