I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Even happy food doesn't help

I got myself happy food for dinner today.

I even picked my favourite green tea flavour.

But then, i am still feeling sad. Happy food seems to have lost its magic.

The very moment the plane took off this morning, my mood went down down down.

I hate going to KL now. It's a place that's too painful for me.

KL is the city where my husband lied to me to bring that woman here and committed the unforgivable sin of adultery. It's the place where he and that woman created lots of "wonderful" memories for them to savour for a lifetime.

It's especially difficult when i gotta stay in the Gardens Hotel, which is located just within Mid Valley. My 贝 and i used to shop here at least once a year. We always enjoyed the holiday and good food here.

Yet, when i went to the mall just now, and especially when i saw couples holding hands walking around, my mind would be filled with the thoughts of how the two of them had done exactly the same as if they were normal couples, how he had brought her to the hotel here to have mind-blowing sex, how he had brought her to various restaurants and took pictures happily there, and how he had spent money buying stuff to please her.

My heart was aching the whole time, pounding with pain every few seconds. I did my best not to cry; everytime i felt that the sorrow was overwhelming, i would tell myself to stop thinking about it. This mind-stopping technique didn't last long and the thought would return, but then i just gotta keep on doing it.

No, i will not cry tonight, no matter how sad i may be. It's pointless crying even though it may help to relieve my pain. Instead of crying, i'd rather do something to calm my heart, such as reading the Bible, listen to songs, sleep earlier, or even do that stupid laughing yoga if i have to.

I think LF was only half right when she commented that God loves me and hence brought me out of SG so that i wouldn't have to wallow in my rented pit. I think God sure loves me, and this is to remind me that even though i've appeared to be better by immersing myself with useless activities, the truth remains that i'm far from getting well. I gotta face the place and thoughts from which i've been running away, and overcome it with positive means, just like the sermon on Sunday -- positive thinking.

So, I WILL NOT CRY TONIGHT, whatever it takes, i will NOT.


I am a slow learner. Please teach me laughter yoga when we get to meet again. from ym

Guess, I know why you were still unhappy, ..Big Apple sucks! Did you try those donuts sell in US? They melt in your mouth!

Ya, I had many turns today, ups and down within hours or minutes. Then I pray, and found new strength to continue the journey again.

I have been listening to this hymns, you can seach it in youtube: God Will Make A Way
Where there seems to be no way

And Heal Me, O Lord
These 2 were the songs my sister in church dedicated for me last Thursday!

I will pray for God's healing for you. -LF

Share your cogitation

Tuesday, September 01, 2009 @ 1:28 pm: At Changi Airport
Tuesday, September 01, 2009 @ 3:24 am: The new maid
Tuesday, September 01, 2009 @ 1:46 am: The Paradoxical Commandments of Anyway
Monday, August 31, 2009 @ 6:36 pm: A sad day
Monday, August 31, 2009 @ 3:58 am: Gaining weight
Monday, August 31, 2009 @ 3:29 am: Random updates
Sunday, August 30, 2009 @ 3:40 am: Change of maid
Sunday, August 30, 2009 @ 3:14 am: An animation that made me cry
Saturday, August 29, 2009 @ 3:50 am: In SG
Friday, August 28, 2009 @ 3:54 am: Washington DC - Day 2 (II)