I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Saturday, February 06, 2010

In pain

It started a few weeks back, and got worse over these few days.

I'm talking about the heartache.

I've been crying myself to bed almost everyday since i returned from USA. Haven't been able to sleep well and not eating well either. I could actually feel the throbbing pain in my heart, almost constantly.

The feeling has returned, that familiar extreme heartache that i went through during that few months of most difficult time of my life.

I am fully aware that i will continue to be on this roller coaster ride for a long time to come. I also know that i will feel really down during PMS period every month. Yet, it is really bad this time, so bad that it was as if i am living through that excruciating moments once more.

Probably it was because of the continuous festive seasons, from Christmas to new year to my birthday to Valentine's to Chinese New Year. All these occasions that are supposed to be joyful actually dampened my spirit instead.

It's almost unbearable, really. I've actually switched off the light and lied in bed, hoping to go to sleep, but then the past memories came haunting me and i started weeping silently. I felt so much pain in my heart that i cried and cried and cried until i couldn't take it anymore. Maybe writing this out will help, i told myself.

Will it? I really don't know. I can still feel the pain as i am typing this.

I just hope all these can just go away.

Labels:

To me, writing about how I felt did help me. There were couple of times I wrote emails about my fear, my pain and my suffering... at the end, I did not sent out except to myself. I felt a bit better by doing so. Because at that moment, I really didn't know what else I could do other than writing it out and telling someone.
I even thought of start writing diary ... but privacy concern put me off.
When I visited doctor due to insomia, he told me that the best way to overcome insomia is to exercise. It is time for you to take up some exercise already. Ha! I preached something that I did not do for myself. But yes, it is time for us to really do something about it. Health is important!

5 things to balance:

1. Faith
2. Family
3. Friend
4. Fortune
5. Fitness (= health)

Share your cogitation



Wednesday, February 03, 2010 @ 6:26 am: Random updates
Monday, February 01, 2010 @ 9:08 am: On turning 35
Monday, February 01, 2010 @ 8:57 am: Back in SG
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 @ 2:32 pm: The journey to USA
Monday, January 25, 2010 @ 10:25 am: At Changi Airport
Monday, January 25, 2010 @ 2:51 am: Going to USA
Thursday, January 21, 2010 @ 4:58 am: Down again
Thursday, January 21, 2010 @ 4:52 am: These three days
Monday, January 18, 2010 @ 4:56 am: Performance review
Sunday, January 17, 2010 @ 6:21 am: My theme song 121