I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Monday, September 11, 2006

Is there a problem in our relationship?

Both 贝 and i have been feeling really sian about life lately, and i think this negativity may have taken its toll on our relationship.

A few days ago, i saw that 贝 was looking really sian again early in the morning. So in the car on our way to work, i asked him what was wrong with him, and his answer was of course the usual "no problem".

Fed-up with the situation, and because i was felling sian too, i put the phrase "i won't ask 'what happened' anymore!!!" in the personal message on my MSN messenger. After a while, 贝 took notice of it, and here's the chat we had:

贝: then dun ask.... i'm troubled by my 人生问题... maybe after finished the book 解决人生问题 i will be good....

贝: no... actually by reading the book... i feel like i need more info.. so maybe 修行 is the only way out for me.... :P

贝: and i feel quite 郁闷 abt life....

贝: maybe it the routine life style and working life that caused this

贝: work is very sianzzz lately

PinPin: maybe it's us too... who knows.

贝: no lah... must be u that 启发 me to think more and the 人生目标 。。。

贝: which i dun hv any

贝: maybe after both u & me manage to change job, then the situation can be improved

PinPin: i dunno

贝: no one knows

PinPin: i dun believe that job is the culprit to everything

贝: not the culprit but contributing the most

PinPin: i think there's problem between us too maybe

贝: why leh.... why u always think it's us leh?

贝: it's the 人生目标。。

PinPin: contributing factor too... job, life, us...

PinPin: back when we were first together

PinPin: we were also both sianz with the jobs and the company

PinPin: but then, we got each others as the pillars of strength

PinPin: and we weren't so depressed

PinPin: but now, having each other has no effect anymore

PinPin: we are more like two housemates living together only :(

贝: emm... like i said, routine life style also may cause this sianzzz.... if i tell ppl abt what i've been doing everyday... they will Zzzz.....

贝: like my colleague who stays in jb...... he is staying alone... and i feel Zzzz when he told me abt his life...

贝: i feel i'm not any better than him....

PinPin: u were the one who said everyone is like that

贝: ya.... but i just suddenly realized that it's boring

PinPin: u think sui's life not like that?

PinPin: it's she who makes it interesting

PinPin: and it's also 心境

PinPin: u dun understand how i feel lah

贝: i dun understand how u feel?

PinPin: just as i dun understand what u r thinking or feeling too

贝: i'm not thinking anything actually... coz i know this is life.... a normal person's life.....

贝: there is nothing much we can do as we need to work, and after work there isn't much time left

PinPin: well, it's a trade off between things

PinPin: u can earn less by working in msia and have more time

PinPin: it's a choice

贝: i saw loneliness in my colleague....

PinPin: i guess there are things we dun really understand liao...

PinPin: like i dun see how u can achieve whatever u wanna achieve thru all the buddhism

贝: coz my 道行 still 浅 ... haha...

PinPin: and u dun see my point of thinking there may be some inherent problems in our relationship

PinPin: anyway, this is also life

贝: inherent problem?

贝: such as?

PinPin: like being together for so long and thus love fades away, and we can't be the strength for each other anymore

PinPin: like we both agree that life is too routine and changes are needed... which relationship gets routine and stale too

贝: i think we will be ok after a while lah.... it's just a 过渡期 ....

PinPin: it may be, it may be not

PinPin: like u said, no one knows

贝: emm..... maybe it's the weather lah.... to hot lately...

PinPin: u see? it's the weather, it's the job, it's the unknown purpose in life, it's the routine lifestyle, it's the lacking of frens, it's the lacking of money...

PinPin: it's everything EXCEPT us...

贝: lacking of money is not an issue for me now

PinPin: haven't u considered it may be becoz of us too?

PinPin: this is what i meant that u dun understand what i think, and i also dun understand what u think too

贝: but i dun really see problem in us....

PinPin: problem doesn't mean must quarrel everyday or fight against each other

PinPin: maybe ur problems with ur ex-gf were quarreling and not appreciating the same things in life

PinPin: but that doesn't mean having problems must be like that

PinPin: in every relationship, there's different problem

PinPin: perhaps u dun see any problems while i keep thinking about there's problem is a problem in itself

贝: i know... but i'm very sure my sianzzzness not coming from us..... there are combination of factors happened lately that affect my feeling...

PinPin: u can't see my point about us being together has no effect on easing the sian-ness anymore

PinPin: losing the "magic" is the beginning of many problems in relationship

PinPin: i suspect we are going into that direction

PinPin: but there's really nothing much can be done

贝: it's not that there's no effect, it's just there r too many sianzzz events....

贝: and all added up to become in this state

PinPin: it's either u r into denial, or i am too

PinPin: anyway, no point talking about it liao lah... i thot we talked the other night till not enuf sleep

PinPin: no conclusion one lah

贝: lately chatting with old friends and colleagues

贝: and these made me think back many things in the past especially the relationship with my best friends

贝: all these ppl i'm chatting with got troubles....

贝: and dun talk to me abt their troubles, or maybe they think i'm not too close to be talked to abt this kind of personal problems

贝: i used to be someone whom my friends will think of when they hv problems or want a listener....

贝: but now i'm too far away from those friends.... and nearer "friends" r not even friends....

贝: in the office... no one talk to me.... at jb.... also none.... and now worst.... i dun see anyone too if i'm back to BM

PinPin: i know all ur problems and concerns

PinPin: u've told me about it already

贝: ya loh.... that's the problem mah.... not us....

PinPin: but u cant see where i'm coming from

PinPin: these problems that u have didn't just suddenly appear

PinPin: they have been there for a couple of years already

贝: basically.... i'm bored looking at my life.... actually this situation has been there... it's just i never really go and think abt it

PinPin: but it has never been a big issue that cause u to be 郁闷

PinPin: perhaps at that time, being with me has the "magic" of making these problems not such a great deal

PinPin: but now, it's not the case anymore

PinPin: u dun get what i meant when i said there may be "problem" with us

PinPin: it's not like if we gotta shout at each other, or we fall in love with someone else, then it means got problem

PinPin: this is a different kind of "hidden" problems

PinPin: that will eventually lead to some explosion of big problems

贝: back then... i'm not worried abt my relationship with my friends, coz i'm very confidence our relationship will never change... but lately these years.... i feel the changes

PinPin: anyway, on this issue, i dun think we can come to an agreement lah

PinPin: coz u have ur reasoning, while i have mine

PinPin: and like i said, both of us are in "denial"

PinPin: u denying there's problem with our relationship

PinPin: while i denying that there's no problem with us

PinPin: and there won't be a conclusion until the day comes

PinPin: so no point in talking about it lah

贝: i can accept your definition of "problem"

贝: frankly, do u think i'm the one causing this problem?

PinPin: any problem in a relationship is two-way

PinPin: if the "magic" between us is no longer there

PinPin: if the love has become weaker

PinPin: if being together can no longer bring peace to the mind

PinPin: there's never a single person's problem

PinPin: just as what happened to u and ur ex

PinPin: it's never her problem alone, nor ur problem alone

PinPin: it's both

贝: that was a different situation.... me and her were not supposed to be together in the 1st place

PinPin: different situation and thus different kinds of problems lah

PinPin: u and her were not supposed to be together... coz 性格不合

PinPin: perhaps u and me have different kind of problems

PinPin: and the problems may probably be TIME... 岁月

PinPin: i dunno really

贝: we dun hv 性格 problem for sure

PinPin: can't say for sure

PinPin: 岁月 is always a problem for many things

PinPin: even friendships

PinPin: more so for love

贝: ok.. let me go and attend the 黄帝 course and 算 for our relationship...

PinPin: u know i dun believe in that

PinPin: whether or not the relationship works will depend on both parties and also how the situation turns out in the end

PinPin: i believe in free will more than fate, remember?

贝: then i dun tell u loh.... i will find ways to 破解 if i see something

PinPin: everyone has a choice as to how to go about in life

PinPin: so in our relationship, we have a choice in making it and breaking it...

PinPin: it's all about choices we make lah

PinPin: i've been thinking... maybe we need to be separated for a short while...

PinPin: like i go on a business trip for a couple of days, or maybe u go home for a couple of days

贝: huh? separated?

PinPin: two depressed persons sticking together seems to be unhealthy

PinPin: and we can't see things clearly

贝: u want me to move out meh?

PinPin: no lah

PinPin: u dun understand what i meant?

PinPin: it's to "break the routine"

PinPin: routine in our relationship lah

贝: business trip.... u can decide meh?

PinPin: nope

PinPin: i say only lah

贝: ok loh.... i go rent a house outside....

PinPin: u see, u wanna say like that one

PinPin: :(

贝: but still go home and eat.... still use ur washing machine.... still go work together...

PinPin: let's not talk about it anymore lah

PinPin: more sianz ba liao

I'm not sure if indeed i was thinking too much, but i'm sure that this is really not healthy, whether to our relationship or to ourselves. I hope he's right that this is just a phase that we are going through, which really has nothing to do with our relationship but our lifestyles. Sigh, i don't know really... only time can tell.


Though I am not an expert in relationships, allow me to give you my two sen.

It is all about expectations. When both parties have different expectations on one another, things will be difficult. If you expect the relationship to be a lovey dovey type one that will last for a very long time, then I suggest Hans Andersen reading materials.

Occasionally, people asked why people get into friendship, relationship and marriage. Three entirely different types of relationships. If you can see, friendship has the least expectations of them all. You meet up with friends, talk cock, have fun, go home and then until the next session arrives. You have no expectation of your friends to arrive at your door each day and wish you well. You have very little expectation of your friends intuitively knowing and consoling you when you feel sad.

But expectations go up as you move along the relationship chain.

Perhaps if you lower your expectations on your other half then maybe you won't feel half sien. Also always have these little surprises that pops along the way. If you have too good a life, then surprises will be harder to create. By having a mundane life like me, you will be able to create some magic every weekend or in the worst scenario every so often.

But reading your conversation (though I cannot read chinese), i believe that you guys are going through a phase and things will be heading back to normal soon.

Good luck.

Fat4, i guess the problem with most, if not all, gals is that despite knowing the cruel reality, we are still all suckers for fairy tales and wish like hell that we are living in one. Hopeless huh? Sigh...

Anyway, thanks for your kind advice. :)

Share your cogitation

Friday, September 08, 2006 @ 2:12 am: A trip to cat city -- Day 2 (I)
Thursday, September 07, 2006 @ 3:13 am: COE bidding result
Wednesday, September 06, 2006 @ 3:34 am: More sian
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 @ 3:03 am: COE bidding
Monday, September 04, 2006 @ 3:29 am: Feeling sian
Friday, September 01, 2006 @ 2:36 am: It's a joyous day
Thursday, August 31, 2006 @ 2:01 am: A trip to cat city -- Day 1 (II)
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 @ 2:43 am: Stitches removed
Tuesday, August 29, 2006 @ 2:52 am: Gift vouchers
Monday, August 28, 2006 @ 2:21 am: The past weekend