A few days ago, i saw that 贝 was looking really sian again early in the morning. So in the car on our way to work, i asked him what was wrong with him, and his answer was of course the usual "no problem".
Fed-up with the situation, and because i was felling sian too, i put the phrase "i won't ask 'what happened' anymore!!!" in the personal message on my MSN messenger. After a while, 贝 took notice of it, and here's the chat we had:
贝: then dun ask.... i'm troubled by my 人生问题... maybe after finished the book 解决人生问题 i will be good....
贝: no... actually by reading the book... i feel like i need more info.. so maybe 修行 is the only way out for me.... :P
贝: and i feel quite 郁闷 abt life....
贝: maybe it the routine life style and working life that caused this
贝: work is very sianzzz lately
PinPin: maybe it's us too... who knows.
贝: no lah... must be u that 启发 me to think more and the 人生目标 。。。
贝: which i dun hv any
贝: maybe after both u & me manage to change job, then the situation can be improved
PinPin: i dunno
贝: no one knows
PinPin: i dun believe that job is the culprit to everything
贝: not the culprit but contributing the most
PinPin: i think there's problem between us too maybe
贝: why leh.... why u always think it's us leh?
贝: it's the 人生目标。。
PinPin: contributing factor too... job, life, us...
PinPin: back when we were first together
PinPin: we were also both sianz with the jobs and the company
PinPin: but then, we got each others as the pillars of strength
PinPin: and we weren't so depressed
PinPin: but now, having each other has no effect anymore
PinPin: we are more like two housemates living together only :(
贝: emm... like i said, routine life style also may cause this sianzzz.... if i tell ppl abt what i've been doing everyday... they will Zzzz.....
贝: like my colleague who stays in jb...... he is staying alone... and i feel Zzzz when he told me abt his life...
贝: i feel i'm not any better than him....
PinPin: u were the one who said everyone is like that
贝: ya.... but i just suddenly realized that it's boring
PinPin: u think sui's life not like that?
PinPin: it's she who makes it interesting
PinPin: and it's also 心境
PinPin: u dun understand how i feel lah
贝: i dun understand how u feel?
PinPin: just as i dun understand what u r thinking or feeling too
贝: i'm not thinking anything actually... coz i know this is life.... a normal person's life.....
贝: there is nothing much we can do as we need to work, and after work there isn't much time left
PinPin: well, it's a trade off between things
PinPin: u can earn less by working in msia and have more time
PinPin: it's a choice
贝: i saw loneliness in my colleague....
PinPin: i guess there are things we dun really understand liao...
PinPin: like i dun see how u can achieve whatever u wanna achieve thru all the buddhism
贝: coz my 道行 still 浅 ... haha...
PinPin: and u dun see my point of thinking there may be some inherent problems in our relationship
PinPin: anyway, this is also life
贝: inherent problem?
贝: such as?
PinPin: like being together for so long and thus love fades away, and we can't be the strength for each other anymore
PinPin: like we both agree that life is too routine and changes are needed... which relationship gets routine and stale too
贝: i think we will be ok after a while lah.... it's just a 过渡期 ....
PinPin: it may be, it may be not
PinPin: like u said, no one knows
贝: emm..... maybe it's the weather lah.... to hot lately...
PinPin: u see? it's the weather, it's the job, it's the unknown purpose in life, it's the routine lifestyle, it's the lacking of frens, it's the lacking of money...
PinPin: it's everything EXCEPT us...
贝: lacking of money is not an issue for me now
PinPin: haven't u considered it may be becoz of us too?
PinPin: this is what i meant that u dun understand what i think, and i also dun understand what u think too
贝: but i dun really see problem in us....
PinPin: problem doesn't mean must quarrel everyday or fight against each other
PinPin: maybe ur problems with ur ex-gf were quarreling and not appreciating the same things in life
PinPin: but that doesn't mean having problems must be like that
PinPin: in every relationship, there's different problem
PinPin: perhaps u dun see any problems while i keep thinking about there's problem is a problem in itself
贝: i know... but i'm very sure my sianzzzness not coming from us..... there are combination of factors happened lately that affect my feeling...
PinPin: u can't see my point about us being together has no effect on easing the sian-ness anymore
PinPin: losing the "magic" is the beginning of many problems in relationship
PinPin: i suspect we are going into that direction
PinPin: but there's really nothing much can be done
贝: it's not that there's no effect, it's just there r too many sianzzz events....
贝: and all added up to become in this state
PinPin: it's either u r into denial, or i am too
PinPin: anyway, no point talking about it liao lah... i thot we talked the other night till not enuf sleep
PinPin: no conclusion one lah
贝: lately chatting with old friends and colleagues
贝: and these made me think back many things in the past especially the relationship with my best friends
贝: all these ppl i'm chatting with got troubles....
贝: and dun talk to me abt their troubles, or maybe they think i'm not too close to be talked to abt this kind of personal problems
贝: i used to be someone whom my friends will think of when they hv problems or want a listener....
贝: but now i'm too far away from those friends.... and nearer "friends" r not even friends....
贝: in the office... no one talk to me.... at jb.... also none.... and now worst.... i dun see anyone too if i'm back to BM
PinPin: i know all ur problems and concerns
PinPin: u've told me about it already
贝: ya loh.... that's the problem mah.... not us....
PinPin: but u cant see where i'm coming from
PinPin: these problems that u have didn't just suddenly appear
PinPin: they have been there for a couple of years already
贝: basically.... i'm bored looking at my life.... actually this situation has been there... it's just i never really go and think abt it
PinPin: but it has never been a big issue that cause u to be 郁闷
PinPin: perhaps at that time, being with me has the "magic" of making these problems not such a great deal
PinPin: but now, it's not the case anymore
PinPin: u dun get what i meant when i said there may be "problem" with us
PinPin: it's not like if we gotta shout at each other, or we fall in love with someone else, then it means got problem
PinPin: this is a different kind of "hidden" problems
PinPin: that will eventually lead to some explosion of big problems
贝: back then... i'm not worried abt my relationship with my friends, coz i'm very confidence our relationship will never change... but lately these years.... i feel the changes
PinPin: anyway, on this issue, i dun think we can come to an agreement lah
PinPin: coz u have ur reasoning, while i have mine
PinPin: and like i said, both of us are in "denial"
PinPin: u denying there's problem with our relationship
PinPin: while i denying that there's no problem with us
PinPin: and there won't be a conclusion until the day comes
PinPin: so no point in talking about it lah
贝: i can accept your definition of "problem"
贝: frankly, do u think i'm the one causing this problem?
PinPin: any problem in a relationship is two-way
PinPin: if the "magic" between us is no longer there
PinPin: if the love has become weaker
PinPin: if being together can no longer bring peace to the mind
PinPin: there's never a single person's problem
PinPin: just as what happened to u and ur ex
PinPin: it's never her problem alone, nor ur problem alone
PinPin: it's both
贝: that was a different situation.... me and her were not supposed to be together in the 1st place
PinPin: different situation and thus different kinds of problems lah
PinPin: u and her were not supposed to be together... coz 性格不合
PinPin: perhaps u and me have different kind of problems
PinPin: and the problems may probably be TIME... 岁月
PinPin: i dunno really
贝: we dun hv 性格 problem for sure
PinPin: can't say for sure
PinPin: 岁月 is always a problem for many things
PinPin: even friendships
PinPin: more so for love
贝: ok.. let me go and attend the 黄帝 course and 算 for our relationship...
PinPin: u know i dun believe in that
PinPin: whether or not the relationship works will depend on both parties and also how the situation turns out in the end
PinPin: i believe in free will more than fate, remember?
贝: then i dun tell u loh.... i will find ways to 破解 if i see something
PinPin: everyone has a choice as to how to go about in life
PinPin: so in our relationship, we have a choice in making it and breaking it...
PinPin: it's all about choices we make lah
PinPin: i've been thinking... maybe we need to be separated for a short while...
PinPin: like i go on a business trip for a couple of days, or maybe u go home for a couple of days
贝: huh? separated?
PinPin: two depressed persons sticking together seems to be unhealthy
PinPin: and we can't see things clearly
贝: u want me to move out meh?
PinPin: no lah
PinPin: u dun understand what i meant?
PinPin: it's to "break the routine"
PinPin: routine in our relationship lah
贝: business trip.... u can decide meh?
PinPin: nope
PinPin: i say only lah
贝: ok loh.... i go rent a house outside....
PinPin: u see, u wanna say like that one
PinPin: :(
贝: but still go home and eat.... still use ur washing machine.... still go work together...
PinPin: let's not talk about it anymore lah
PinPin: more sianz ba liao
I'm not sure if indeed i was thinking too much, but i'm sure that this is really not healthy, whether to our relationship or to ourselves. I hope he's right that this is just a phase that we are going through, which really has nothing to do with our relationship but our lifestyles. Sigh, i don't know really... only time can tell.
Labels: love
