I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

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Friday, September 15, 2006

Not a happy day

So it turned out that today wasn't such a happy day. I'm feeling rather depressed now.

We've gotten the new car all right. Uh huh, a brand new car that comes with leather seats and spoiler, something that 贝 has always wanted for our car. The fuel tank was only half-filled by the car dealer, and we filled it up to full tank before leaving Singapore to comply with the 3/4 fuel tank rule. That cost me about SGD43 and i'm now so very broke. The downpayment for the car pretty much wiped out my savings, and now i don't have much cash on hand too. But money wasn't the reason why i'm upset.

Well, the day started fine actually. I went to Orchard this morning to attend the forum, and because it started so early, 贝 and i couldn't have breakfast together as planned. We bought some buns from Breadtalk and i gotta eat mine in the toilet as i felt rather embarrassing to take my breakfast in the grand ballroom of Grant Hyatt Hotel when all other participants and organizers were looking. Before you call me disgusting, the toilet was really clean and smelled nice. And i ate the bun really quickly, something like down it in just four bites.

Then after the event started, i realized that i seemed to be the youngest among all the attendees, and also the one with the lowest job title too. Well, after all, this forum was meant for CIOs, and i guess i was really out of place there. When they were having the first lucky draw before the morning tea break, i was wishing hard that my name card wouldn't be drawn. The prizes were 40GB of HDDs, and for a person like me who love freebies, the only reason i would rather not win was because that organizer actually read out the company and job title when announcing the winners. I would be darn to be called onto the stage in front of hundreds of C-level executives with my kind of post and the company i represented.

Aside from poor time management that the event didn't go as per the scheduled time, i also found the forum to be rather boring. So i decided to skip the afternoon session after lunch that was provided in the hotel. Then when lunch time came, i followed the crowd to another ballroom and saw that many round tables were already set up. I saw that whoever sat down at a table would exchange name cards and introduce himself/herself to the rest at the same table. That kinda freaked me out, for the same reason that i would be darn to tell them where i came from and had them looked at me like some strange creature, or worse, started asking me about the situation at my company. So i walked out of the ballroom and took my lunch at Isetan instead.

I had about 5 hours before 6pm, the time i was supposed to meet up with 贝 back at Jurong Point and then go pick up the new car together. I thought that the best place to kill time would be Kinokuniya, where there were tons of books to keep me entertained. It turned out to be not such a good idea because whenever i'm at a bookstore, i just couldn't resist buying books. And true to my nature, i spent about SGD50 on two books, which was an amount that i couldn't really afford. And after having part with the money, i was just broke broke broke broke broke. (Mental note to self: two more weeks to pay day.)

After buying the books, i thought i wanna find a place where i could sit down, have a cup of coffee, and read the books (see, i still wanna enjoy life even thought i'm broke). But first, i gotta get outta the city because everything there was just so darn expensive. I went back to Jurong Point and arrived at around 4pm. As i walked towards McDonald's, i saw MediaCorp was filming a drama on stage. I stopped and stood there watching the actors and actresses filming. Kinda bo liao and i really didn't know why i spent about half-an-hour looking at them doing their stunts. But it wasn't just me. There were in fact many other bo liao people watching too.

When it was about time to meet up with 贝, i went to the parking lot first and saw a saman on the windscreen. I was shocked as i didn't know what it was for. I read it carefully and checked my parking coupons, then i realized how muddle-headed i was. I omitted tearing the minutes on the parking coupons! So not only i wasted the parking coupons, i also got fined SGD20 too.

Up until this point, i was still feeling ok. The fine wasn't of any big amount and i was still looking forward to getting the new car. I wasn't having any negative feeling at all. But then, everything took a bad turn.

While 贝 and i were heading to the car dealer, he was unhappy with me making the blunder on the parking coupons. Then as i was reading the map for directions to the car dealer, he told me that my mom's car gotta be parked behind our two cars (because she was the first person to leave home every morning). As i wasn't paying attention, i kinda asked him why she needed to do that. He again replied impatiently in an unhappy tone.

As i've already been feeling that there were some problems with our relationship lately, his behaviour totally killed my mood. I was so upset by then that even seeing the new car couldn't bring me joy. I was so down during the whole journey back home.

During dinner time, he saw my sulky face and became upset too. I told him that i felt he was getting more and more impatient with me. It seemed like very little things could made him angry these days, which wasn't the case in the past. I told him that was why i felt his love for me was fading away slowly, and i asked him to really think over it and see if what i said was true.

All these talks made him angrier, and he asked me why i couldn't be understanding during this phase when he was feeling depressed too about his life. That kinda put me in tears. Right after he said those words, i felt really sad. For the first time since we were together, i had a feeling that we wouldn't be able to be together for the rest of our lives. Seriously, i don't know why i felt this way, but this kind of feeling simply made my heart ache.

I'm not sure why things just seem to be getting worse. I don't know what's in store for us, and it's scary to think of the negative possibilities all the time. I think the problems lie with me, but i'm not sure what and how to resolve it.

I don't know what to write anymore. Just feel so tired. I think i need to take a rest, whatever this may mean.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006 @ 1:50 am: A happy day ahead
Wednesday, September 13, 2006 @ 2:21 am: My Martian's confession
Monday, September 11, 2006 @ 2:55 am: Is there a problem in our relationship?
Friday, September 08, 2006 @ 2:12 am: A trip to cat city -- Day 2 (I)
Thursday, September 07, 2006 @ 3:13 am: COE bidding result
Wednesday, September 06, 2006 @ 3:34 am: More sian
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 @ 3:03 am: COE bidding
Monday, September 04, 2006 @ 3:29 am: Feeling sian
Friday, September 01, 2006 @ 2:36 am: It's a joyous day
Thursday, August 31, 2006 @ 2:01 am: A trip to cat city -- Day 1 (II)