I have been thinking... what's wrong with me really?
My first relationship ended very much differently than this one, but there's a similarity in that both the men only realised what they had lost after the breakup and wanted reconciliation.
My first boyfriend wasn't particularly loving and caring towards me. During the 7 years that we were together, i had to be extremely independent and did a lot of things on my own. My firends had even passed remarks about my first relationship before, asking me, "why is it that you have a boyfriend but you are living like without a boyfirend?"
We did love each other deeply at that time, after all, we were each other's first love. Yet, he just wasn't the kind who would take care of me and made me feel treasured and loved. For instance, he was seconded to Japan to work for a year, and during that one whole year, he had only contacted me four times.
As we knew each other in university, we kinda drifted apart even more after we started working. He became a very businesslike person, in the way that he wouldn't hesitate in engaging in office politics or manipulating people for him to climb the corporate ladder. Yet, i was still the same old me, innocent and holding on to my dreams and principles, stubbornly insisting not to be polluted by the money world.
Then one evening when he was out with his colleagues, he had a bit too much to drink and started dirty dancing with one of his female colleagues. He told me later that he actually huggged and kissed her under the influence of alcohol, and felt extremely guilty after that. Now that i come to think about it, he might probably have sex too but then of course no men would ever admit to it unless caught red-handed or concrete proof was found.
I was very much heart-broken. After all those years of negligence from him and then even betrayal, i decided to call it quit. He was also very sad over the breakup, and i heard from one of our common friends that he had several times expressed his sorrow to her and told her that i was the love of his life.
About a year after i broke up with him, he was still trying to patch back with me. He had been calling me and asking me out, hoping that we could get back together again. I was still not fully healed from the heartbreak then, and was very much troubled by it, for i did not know if i should still give it a try despite my heart and mind clearly telling me that the relationship could never work again.
Just as i was still trapped in the sorrow of the first breakup, YY appeared in my life. He once told me that despite my cheerful outlook, he could actually see the deep sorow in my eyes. He told me that he wanted to take care of me and give me happiness. He promised that he'd not break my heart like my first boyfriend did.
I hesitated at that time, telling him that i was still hurt and might not have gained back the confidence in love again. But then, his sincerity and love convinced me to take the leap, and then the rest is history.
Then fast forward to 8.5 years later, YY betrayed and broke my heart in the way worse than my first boyfriend did. All the years we spent together had been absolute blissfulness, which unlike my first relationship where there were lots of unhappy moments. Furthermore, i love 贝 a lot more than my first boyfriend, and plus he is not just a boyfriend but my husband whom i've decided to spend the rest of my life with. The blow was a hundred time, or even a thousand times harder.
Yet, YY is also harbouring the hope that we could get back together again and refused to let go of this marriage.
I couldn't help but ask myself, why both my long-term relationships had to be like this? Why both guys had to only realise how good i was and how much they should have treasured me when everything was already too late? Why couldn't they treasure me and appreciate the love and care that i was giving them while i was still with them? Is it something wrong with me that always makes the men taking me for granted?
I drew the similarities on both breakups and was even more convinced that there's no turning back anymore. My love for 贝 is so much more deeper, his betrayal is much more serious, and hence the hurt is also greater.
Sui had once told me that perhaps God saw the young me hurting so much from the first breakup that he sent 贝 into my life and gave me 8 happy years. Now that the time is up, i'm back to square one, even though the hurt is multiplied. Yet, i've also grown in age, in wisdom and definitely in fortitude too. I should be able to cope with it this time round.
If i ever get to meet another man in future and if i could find the courage to love again, then i'd hope he will be the one who can truly love, appreciate and treasure me forever.
But frankly, i won't bet on it anymore.
Labels: introspection, love
