To him, she is not at fault at all in this affair. He still refused to see the part she played in this, leading him onto the wrong path and urging him on with all kinds of tactics. Whether she did all those because of really "loving" him, or for other reasons such as just wanting to find a good guy for company or for marrying, the bottom line is that she is selfish, immoral, has no respect for love and marriage, and does not care about other people so long as she gets what she wants. She does not have the value of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" (己所不欲，勿施于人) at all.
For instance, there was one sms that she sent to him:
"这就是年轻男人面对爱情的态度了，他还没有被太多价值观影响，爱情的成败与条件，也还没变成衡量人生的工具，他仍追求着纯粹的心动感觉，与一种莫名的热情"
Translation: "This is how young man sees love. He has not been affected by too much values in life. The success and condition of love has also not become the yardstick for him to judge life. He is still in search for the sole feeling of being smitten by love and the unexplained passion."
This was just one of the examples that she would constantly and subtlety urging him to throw away all the values in life and just follow his desires, disguised under the cover of "it's for true love". While he was already mesmerised by her but hesitating on the relationship due to his conscience and values, she was actually tempting him even further, leading him towards the road of no return instead of helping him to stop.
You see, a person who truly loves you, who truly wants the best for your life, who truly puts your well-being ahead of hers, would guide you along in your life instead of lead you to destruction (something akin to what our parents would do to us in guiding us to the right path in life). She will think of what is the right thing for you to do, and make sure you do not go the wrong way that may result in dire consequence that you have to suffer i future, whether in earthly or spiritual form.
So i wasn't joking when i said that she is just like Satan, because she was tempting YY to go to the dark side, while YY is already not the kind of righteous man by nature and needs all the guidance that he can get in life to make him a good person.
Yet, despite all the facts being thrown at his face, despite a million people around him telling him otherwise, he still thinks that she is an angel. That infuriates me very very very much.
Why do i even care about what he thinks of her, many people said to me. They told me just let him continuing his blinded affection and stupid perception of her, and let him bear the consequence himself in future.
Well, aside from i still love him dearly and do not want to see that consequence to befall him, i also feel that he had done me great injustice. It's the kind of feeling that you want to be vindicated when a great wrong has been done against you (不甘心). It's especially so when you care so much about what your loved one thinks of you and the bad person.
YY kept telling others that he was the one solely in the wrong, which totally freed her from any wrongdoings in this affair, when i've said over and over again that in any extramarital affair, both the adulterer and adulteress are equally at fault. The moment she knew that he was married and still chose to continue the relationship (calling him her boyfriend, when he's another woman's husband!), keep on tempting him further with TLC and hinting words, had sex with him, and even plotted against the wife, she is no longer "innocent" as he maintained her to be.
And the part that is more maddening is that not only he kept insisting that she is a good woman who is not at fault, he actually put the blame on me! He mentioned to me and my friend before that i should not have moved out and i should not have told all my friends about this affair. This actually showed that deep down in his heart, he is actually holding me responsible for him having the affair, as if my moving out and asking for my friends' support actually pushed him towards the affair.
So, to him, that woman is free from all guilt while i was partly to be blamed for the affair? Tell me if you do not feel f*cking furious at this.
I dedicated my life to love him, silently doing all the things that i did out of my deep love for him. Not only did he betray me to the fullest extent, in the end he is still protecting that woman and seeing her as so perfect.
What has she really done for him so far really, besides pouring all the superficial TLC on him, putting him in cloud-nine, giving him the mind-blowing sex, and at the same time destroyed his marriage, his otherwise peaceful and blissful life, his relationship with his family and some friends, affected his career, and even led him to commit the sin that in Buddhism will be punishable to the greatest suffering?!
To add insult to injury, he still says that he loves me and not her! What does he take me for really? Whenever i questioned him if what he did was any manifestation of true love at all, he would just go speechless and apologised only. Why? Because he couldn't reason it himself either, because he is in denial and refuse to see the truth.
From what i see, it's only when you love a person deeply that you will not want anyone to blame her or insult her in anyway; he'd rather himself to be punished and blamed. Yeah, you may probably say this is "selfless love", but it's towards the Satan woman whom he built as so good an image in his head, instead of the wife who has proven and shown to him in actions of her love and goodness.
The truth is, whether or not that woman is good or bad, it doesn't really matter to him at all in loving her. Whether or not that woman has been touched by so many different men before, or she has masturbated so many men before, it also does not matter to him at all when it comes to having sex with her (though i feel extremely disgusted whenever i think of it... how could he not feel dirty at all, touching and licking the same boobs that other hundreds of strangers had done the same before, and letting her hand touching his penis, which had also touched hundred of penises before??!!). If you may call it, this is also "selfless love" in that he could see beyond all these things and accept her as how or who she is.
I doubt i can ever get him to admit any of these really. There is no chance that he will finally wake up and see the bad and wrong in that woman. There is no chance that he will finally admit that despite all these, he still loves her and does not love me anymore. In short, there is no way for me to ever get the kind of justice i want out from him.
He just wanna be the ostrich who puts his head into the sand, and not to talk about this affair anymore (actually i do not believe at all that he has severe all ties with that woman, despite his family chooses to believe his words). He does not understand that by not thinking about it is just running away from it. It is a cowardice behaviour, in that you are not willing to face your own wrongdoings and weaknesses. In this way, you can never really change, you can never really become a better man.
Labels: rant
