Cogito ergo scribo

Talking about smiles, i remember earlier on that YY once said to me that he felt he could no longer make me happy. He had always felt that his role in my life is to bring me happiness, and over the past one year, i was so stressful at my work that i seemed like i've not been REALLY happy for a very long time already. He said even when i was back with him at his hometown during CNY, i wasn't really happy too.

Comparatively, that China woman made him feel good in the way that whenever she talked to him or was with him, she always sounded or looked very happy. He felt that he could make this woman happy with his existence. And of course, similarly, this made him very happy too whenever he was with her.

What he failed to realise are just two simple facts.

Firstly, when we just started our relationship 8.5 years ago, when everything was still rosy and beautiful, when we still had that butterfly-in-our-stomach feeling whenever we saw each other, when the passion still ran high and experiencing the adrenaline rush, there was nothing else but absolute happiness. We did not feel any negative feelings and everything was just happy happy happy.

Well, when life is just filled with chit-chatting, "i love you", "i miss you", kissing, hugging and having sex, what is there to be not happy about? There is no issues about repaying the loans, about the nitty-gritty and necessities of everyday life (柴米油盐), about problems from both families, about career and putting bread on the table. As two persons get closer, get to know each other better and start to become a part of each other's life, the reality sinks in and unhappiness ensues.

Yet he can't see beyond all these, whereby these are the problems we face in everyday life that bring us down sometimes, but true happiness does not lie in simply smiling everyday. It is about two persons who love each other deeply, despite all these problems in life, still sharing and going through it together, giving each other support and their hearts always feel content and fulfilled. That, is real eternal happiness and not just something superficial.

It was exactly because i felt this type of true happiness in my life with him that i could still carry on with my work no matter how stressful it was and in which part of the world i was at. It was the love and happiness that i had in my heart that propelled me forward in work and in life, for i believed whatever i was doing was for our happiness of the lifetime.

Secondly, if really, when you feel that you can no longer bring happiness to your loved one, do you actually go and look for another person to whom you think you were able to have that effect on her, or do you reflect upon yourself, help to identify the problems together, and work even harder at making her happy?

YY's choice simply showed that it wasn't really about my happiness that mattered to him. I was willing to go through some forms of unhappiness so long as he could be happy, but he did not think or act the same. To him, it was actually more about his own happiness, in that the feeling of making a woman happy makes him happy. So when he felt that he could no longer make the one at home happy, he looked outside.

It was all about him all along actually. What he said about he could do anything for me, or gave up everything for me, bla bla bla... were all bullshits. When our life started to show unhappiness due to reality, he chose to gratify his desires for his own happiness ahead of everything else. He did not care about hurting me nor his parents. He only cared about making himself happy by being with that woman.

Now what's done is done. Hopefully he could really maintain the smiles in that "cheerful" woman forever, and also his own.

Labels: love, rant