I would say it does to a certain extent, but not as much as last time.
Just on one of the days last week, i dreamt of myself weeping very sadly. Yes, in my dream, i was crying like a baby, none stop. Then i woke up feeling my heart aching, but with a dry pillow and without a single drop of tear in my eyes.
I know there's this sorrowful me who's buried deep in my heart. It's like a monster that i locked up in one corner of my heart and not letting it out. I do it by depriving myself of sleep intentionally, just so that i'm constantly having this feeling of numbness and do not think or feel too much.
But then, perhaps i have been suppressing it too much that the sorrowful me couldn't be contained anymore and gotta relieve the pain. So what it did was that it came out in my dream and wept for a good while, then it went back to sleep again.
I am pushing it, and nobody can understand how hard i'm pushing it, nor could i make anyone understands it by just saying it or writing it out. Sometimes i ask myself, should i even expect anyone to understand it at all?
When i express my sadness on my Facebook, a friend left a comment and said, "what? still?" To him, it has been almost a year and i should not be feeling anything anymore.
When i told my friend EY about my dream, he accused me of not wanting to let go, as if i asked for it myself by keep holding on to it, as if this is really not such a big deal and why i kept harping on it.
I got pissed. Oh yes, i do, very much.
"Let go", "move on", "forget it", "be happy"... You know, these are merely words. I can say it too, a million times if you may. Yet, to do it is an entirely different thing. It is not as simple as just uttering these two-word phrase, which will not even take you two second, or take any bit of your energy. But to do it in real life, do you have any idea how much effort you gotta put in, and how difficult it is and how long it gotta take?
DO NOT judge me if you have not gone through the exact same thing yourself. Even if you have experienced it EXACTLY the same, you also gotta have the same life experience, same character, same temperament, etc. as me to know how it feels like.
After all, what is important to a person in life may not be as important to another person. Everyone has different priorities in life, and the same event that befalls on different persons will be perceived differently. The impact will be different, the feelings will be different, the coping mechanism will be different.
But if you really enjoy judging me, then i couldn't help but to start hoping that you can go through the same unfortunate event as me, and then you come and tell me how easy it is for you to let go and move on. You see, i have this resentful me deep in my heart too. This resentful me does not like to be judged and can get very evil when such judgement is passed in such unreasonable manner.
I am not asking for sympathy, nor am i asking you to understand what i am going through, for i do not expect you to. All i ask is at least not to judge me, or at least not until you have been me and have the same sorrowful and resentful me in you.
[The time in Reading now is 10.56pm]
Labels: introspection, rant
