Then just now i kinda took up the courage to skim through the old posts, reading what had been written before about the love between the two 贝s.
In many instances, i've subtlety, repeatedly expressed how much i loved him, yet he never really got it i guess, otherwise he would never have doubted my love for him and then had a change of heart.
In year 2005, i wrote a post about making wishes:
I asked 贝 if i could wish for my dad to have never been stricken by cancer and died. He said i should never wish for something that would change the past. If my dad had been well and alive, my life would have been totally different. I might not have met 贝 and be with him today. There might be many things in the past that i hoped they had or had not happened, but 贝 was definitely one of the best things that could have happened in my life and i wouldn't wanna change it at all, not even a bit.
I guess if really given a choice, we do want to have a chance to change the past. Yet, this is a choice that can never be made available, for what we can really change is only our present and future, and never the past. In fact, i've said the similar thing in the same post:
I guess no matter how big or small our wishes are, the crux of all things is to always hope for the future and not the past. We should wish for better things to happen tomorrow and not for the unpleasant things to have never happened yesterday. And that, i believe, is the difference between hope and regret.
In the same year, on his birthday, i wrote to him:
I love thee for being born twenty-nine years ago on this day so that love could find me and my life would never be the same again.
Indeed, my life was and will never be the same again, whether in a good or bad way, i really do not know now anymore.
Then in year 2006, we had our first serious crisis in our relationship, and i kinda prophesied our future already... how ironic.
For the first time since we were together, i had a feeling that we wouldn't be able to be together for the rest of our lives. Seriously, i don't know why i felt this way, but this kind of feeling simply made my heart ache.
In year 2007, i had yet another ironic post that i could not remember what had triggered it or who i was referring to, but it sure looked like foreshadowing what my own man would do to me in future:
I'm amazed.
Not so much of how men can love more than one person at a time, but how they justify it and make it sound so convincing.
Men will always be men, regardless of age, race and status.
Lastly, it was the first post after our ROM, which really has become nothing but endless heartache, for our marriage now seemed like nothing but a sick joke and serious mistake:
Yet, it is the moment to be savoured. It is the moment that we declared our love to the world. It is the moment that we told each other we will be together through pain and sadness, through laughter and happiness. It is the moment that we promised our eternal love for each other. It is the moment that was so brief, yet, lasts a lifetime.
And of course, i stopped here and didn't read further on, for what followed very soon will be the hundreds of posts narrating the ordeal and excruciating heartache.
I am going through these not because i am a masochist who enjoys torturing myself. In fact, i didn't plan to read the posts until i was searching for the old post on Zhuang Zi, and then kinda continue reading on. It is actually good that i can face up the past rather than run away (by avoiding it).
However, i do not know what i feel now. It's very late into the night already and all my feelings are perhaps sleeping now, for i again am having this dream-like sensation, probably because of over-exhaustion (as i worked late again tonight).
I guess it's really time to go to bed now. It's gonna be a hectic weekend for me in attending classes and commuting between SG and JB.
Labels: love
