I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It still hurts and i need time

I would like to thank those who had left comments in a few of my previous posts, whether the friends i know personally or those readers of this blog whom i never have the chance to get acquainted. I hardly reply to comments nowadays, but i do read them and am grateful to know that there are people who still care. I cannot thank you enough.

One reader left a comment reminding me of how i used to be so witty in my writing, and how this blog used to be fun but now it is just filled with sorrow and never-ending whining. After reading that comment, i read some of my old posts and i could see how i have changed so much over this one year. I also asked myself the very same question -- where has that cheerful, funny (or even nonsensical) person gone to?

First of all, i am surprised that there are "strangers" still reading this blog at all. Frankly, if i were a reader of a blog like this, i would have stopped reading totally. So to those who are still reading, even though i could not figure out why, i really thank you for showing that you care, to a stranger whose life does not matter to you at all.

I know i may have disappointed a lot of people for being depressed, for not able to get up, let go and move on. I know all the words that were thrown at me, whether to encourage or to reprimand, are all for my own good, are because you all want me to be happy again.

I understand, i really do.

Yet, as i've mentioned in one of my posts, it is not easy, at least not for me. Maybe i am weak, maybe i am a drama queen, maybe my personality has the tendency to be more melancholy, or maybe i'm a pessimist by nature. Whatever it is, do know that i am already doing my best, and perhaps my best isn't good enough for many people, but i am pushing very very very hard already.

What follows are some of my random thoughts, which perhaps is my effort in conveying how the sorrow engulfed me and how i am doing my best to break out.

A blogger friend on my Facebook had just recently gotten married and posted the pictures of his honeymoon. Looking through the photos, i could see the blissfulness on their faces. I couldn't help but smiled when i saw the glowing happiness that simply shined through their faces, but then what followed the smile was heartache.

Yes, it reminded me of how i had used to glow like that, smiled and laughed like that. It reminded me of how i never had the chance to go for my honeymoon and my supposedly happy marriage has ended already. It reminded me that such kind of true blissfulness will never be in my life again.

I once had a chat with LF and we talked about being happy again. She wondered if the wound in her will ever be healed; she thinks the pain will forever be there and she could never be truely happy again.

To me, i do hold on to the hope that all these will come to pass one day. I do not know how long, but i'm sure it will come to pass, or at least i gotta believe in that, otherwise i really do not know how to carry on anymore. Sometimes when i am walking on the streets alone, being overwhelmed by the grief and feel like crying, i would chant to myself in my heart, "all these will come to pass, all these will come to pass..." That actually gave me the courage to continue walking without shedding any tears.

Yes, i believe that this open wound will heal one day. It will close up one day. I do believe i can be happy again one day. But the thing is that even the wound has healed, the ugly scar will forever be there, reminding me of the pain and the hurt that once cut through me so deeply. The naive belief of true love, of true happiness, of the eternal one-and-only soul mate has forever been lost. Even if i can indeed get over this hurt and be happy again, it will never be the same ever again.

Or here's another way to put it.

Recently i was hooked on watching this Taiwanese idol drama "Down With Love" (就想赖着你) on YouTube. There was this scene where the lead actress Ella found out her boyfriend had wanted to be with her not because of loving her but because he wanted to stop her from being together with the lead actor Jerry. She has trusted her boyfriend very much because he has always been a very sincere, helpful and good guy. When she found out about his lies, she was heart-broken and she said something along the line that "if even he would lie to me, then who else in this world can i trust?"

This really struck me. Yes, if even my most precious 贝 can hurt me like this, then who else can i ever trust and love again?

When you have loved and trusted a person with your life and then the person betrayed and hurt you to such extent, what you lost isn't merely a love in your life but your life itself; what has been destroyed isn't merely your marriage but your entire world; what has been shattered isn't merely your hope for happiness but your hope towards the entire humankind.

The thing is that when a person means the world to you, then when you lost the person, it is gonna take a lot of effort, and i mean A LOT, to rebuild that world that you have lost.

Sigh, i guess i fail miserably again in expressing the way i feel. Seriously, the hurt is beyond words. As articulate as i have always been, i'm lost for words to describe how and what i feel.

Anyway, if you know me in real life, you would not be able to tell all these hurt and pain inside me. I could still crack jokes. I could still smile sweetly and laugh loudly. But those people would not know that my heart is still bleeding everyday.

But just as i've once said before in another post, this blog is my sanctuary where i can let go of the monster in me without having to worry about the consequences.

So please do give me time. I do not know how much longer, but please just give me all the time i need.


Trust that you can move on for a better life. the time will come eventually..

you'll be good, gal. Think (and stay) positive!

I think YY is a jerk. At first I viewed it is good if to patch up, but after missing for a month and later gave a call asking for reconciliation seems like noncommittal at all. Hey, if he wants to start anew, at least he should really mean it and persistent in it. Don't just ask but do it, be the driver. And since he obsessed with "chinese" virtues, he should have known that real man don't make woman cry, and a vow must be kept and persevered. You might "hate" and detest him and he probably ashamed and feels being nuisance to you, but what's a man's dignity for the terrible sin he has done. I'm not him, but is it real hard to be humble? Is it hard to approach you everyday (not the harassing kind) to seek forgiveness even you might think it's irritating.
And sending SMS/MMS/calling everyday to enquire about you even you might delete it without opening it.
And fetch you to work every morning by waiting at lobby even you might refuse it.
And have dinner with you every evening even you might find excuse to avoid it.
And spend weekend and make up time to be together even exhausted from work.
And be attentive and concern of your being even if it's petty.
And share and listen to your frustrations and stress in work and technical discussion and the list will go on. He should have known better just like how during the past 8 years. I'm sure he knows about your blog, and he probably is reading your posts everyday and aware of your pain, but why continue to be muddlehead doing noncommital stuff and letting this drag on.

sigh, i brought the sad topic again, but I really hope that things can turn out better. it's indeed hard to avoid sadness when there is scar from the past. nevertheless, try to occupy your time with something (e.g playing unproductive facebook games may be one of them) so that you won't stray. I would have suggested to concentrate on work like finding ways to be efficient, perform excellently surpassing everyone's expectation even your own, become more nerdy but .... though the job is unappreciated, unrewarding and frustrating, but then it'll occupy one's mind. and why not of pursuing new hobby? My aunt (she's single mom) used to be sad thinking about her only child being spoilt and neglecting studies and she gives up to fate. Instead continue staying depressed, she takes up baking and making cookies, trying new recipes and even invented some, and she earned self-satisfaction by treating her colleagues with her new found skills. And what about taking up feng shui studies. Or, with your good writing skill, why not composing fictions (and post on the net) where you can create your own world and be very busy researching material for the story. Urrrghh, what naive suggestions I listed - whatever you do or going to do, don't slip and think and dwell too much on the past. You certainly deserve better than this.

Share your cogitation

Monday, March 29, 2010 @ 5:13 am: Grandma is sick
Monday, March 29, 2010 @ 4:18 am: Going to KL for people management
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 @ 4:27 am: Stopped playing games
Monday, March 22, 2010 @ 4:05 am: Blurry vision
Sunday, March 21, 2010 @ 4:54 am: A family reunion
Friday, March 19, 2010 @ 1:11 am: Back in SG
Monday, March 15, 2010 @ 4:35 am: In Bangkok
Sunday, March 14, 2010 @ 4:54 am: Packed again
Friday, March 12, 2010 @ 8:31 pm: Down and frustrated
Tuesday, March 09, 2010 @ 4:40 am: Back in SG