Coincidentally, my landlady's elder daughter wanted to join the school excursion to China during the year-end school holiday, and my landlady told the girl to get the money for the trip from the father instead. Then after the girl had spoken to the father over the phone, he wanted to speak to my landlady. I heard her warning him that the money for the trip must not be deducted from the alimony, and she also asked him when he was going to bank in the alimony which he had missed for a few months already.
I couldn't help but think about how pathetic the entire situation is, whether hers or mine, or anyone who has gone through broken marriage like us. Two persons who used to be so deeply in love, who used to tell each other everything, and whose lives used to be so intertwined, now end up becoming strangers who have nothing to talk about except money. It is depressing even to think about it, moreover living it.
It probably was then that my spirit slowly spiraled down, razing my healing effort to the ground.
Yet, i do not want to cry myself to bed everyday anymore; i do not want to whine about it incessantly on my blog anymore; i do not want to email or talk to my friends about it constantly anymore; i do not want to be all tearful in front of my colleagues or boss anymore.
So, this pent-up sorrow has no outlet.
And it seems to be a prelude to this day - 31st of August, the day that has become a mockery to me. (To think about it, the National Day is also a mockery in view of what our country has become over the years.)
Originally YY and i had arranged to meet up to discuss about the sale of our flat, but i decided to call it off after realising the great irony in doing this - meeting up with each other on our wedding anniversary day to talk about getting rid of the home that we were supposed to be happily living in now. I'm not gonna make myself even more miserable by doing that.
I told myself that i should just take this day as any other normal days, but then it's always easier said than done. So the least i can tell myself to do is that i shall NOT cry on this day. Indeed, one step at a time, and let's just start off by not shedding tears on this day.
Oh, and yes, if you have caught that, we indeed are planning to sell off the flat. Besides the tie-down period for our housing loan is ending soon (at end October) and the property market is good now, it was also because YY does not want to stay there anymore. He claimed that it costs too much to stay there and wanted to move out by September. We are not allowed to rent out the place, and hence we will be leaving it vacant until it is sold. Since we can only start selling in November, we may be looking at leaving it vacant for half-a-year or more.
You probably are wondering the same as i did, i.e. how would staying at own home and not needing to pay for rental too costly in Singapore? Well, there can be 101 reasons why he wants to move out, and anyone's guesses are as good as mine. I've quit doing guessing games about him, and there isn't a need to do so anyway.
I tell myself this: i am no longer an integral part of his life, and neither he is of mine. So whatever he does and does not do, i no longer need to care, only except when it affects me in some ways, such as financially. This is the cruel reality.
And yes, that hurts, a lot.
But then, the thing about pain is that once you have gotten used to it, you will be able to carry it with you and still live on, going about your daily life as usual, as if you are born with it. Nobody can even tell that you are actually bleeding inside.
Labels: love
