During the two months when i moved out and waiting for YY to turn back, i was holding on to the hope that he would give up that woman and come back to our marriage whole-heartedly, because i had so much faith in our love; i still believed that what we had was true love, and true love never dies.
Yet, there were actually so many signs from him that i chose to ignore. If i wasn't into self- deceit then, an intelligent lady like me would definitely be able to tell.
Since he fell for that China woman (in a very short time, like just within two weeks after he met her for the first time at the massage palour), he hardly hugged or kissed me, or even touched me anymore. He started to care a lot about his look and wanted to keep fit. He spent a lot of time on replying sms-es, having constant attention on his mobile phones, which wasn't his habit at all. His sms-es to me, on the other hand, were very short and infrequent, and hardly called me at all.
Even when we did talk on the phone, met in person or chat over msn, it would me doing most of the talking and he'd just "entertained" me with a few short words. His phone calls to that woman, on the other hand, can last for an hour even, and for several times per day.
I repeated told him how much i loved and cared about him, hoping to make him understand that he was so important to me, but what i had in reply was always just silence instead of a "i love you too". On this part, perhaps i should thank him, as he was actually being honest i guess. I mean, we should really mean it when we say "i love you" to anyone. He was saying it a thousands times to her (and she to him), but couldn't do the same to me for the obvious reason that he couldn't mean it anymore.
He used to be online on his msn all the time, but he started to off it, which in fact was switching it to "appear offline" so that i wouldn't bother him. His excuse was that he was extremely busy at work, which justified him being offline and also his infrequent contacts with me. The ironic part was that he had told me once, when i thought we were going well in reconciliation, that this was the reason he gave to that woman for trying to cut-off with her, which in the end the tactic was actually used on me instead while his contact with that woman had never ceased at all but only got more and more intense instead.
When he claimed that he went to KL alone, and convinced me with such sincerity that he was indeed alone, i actually chose to believe him despite already knowing that the woman was taking the same days of leave from work as him. I told myself it might be a cruel coincidence, but turned out that coincidence does not exist when comes to things like this.
After moved out for a few weeks, i kept asking him to show me his sincerity of wanting to rebuild the marriage, so that i can confidence that we could still work it out. His reply was always that he did not know what i meant by sincerity. A friend of mine thought that he was a very shy man and even wrote an email to him, thinking of giving him some pointers. This was what she wrote:
I think you know what you should do. But I guess you just do not want to do it. If you are a man who truly love your wife. You should go to her apartment every day, wait for her, dying to see her. You should offer to pick her up from the air port. Even if she refused to get into the car you should continue to pursue. You are still not doing enough and not work hard to win her back. I told her I seriously think you heart is not with her any more no doubt you kept saying yes you love her. When you are eager to win something or to get something done, you work hard very hard true hard to get it.
His reply to me on her comments was that those gestures are juvenile and not something that we would do at our age.
Well, turned out my friend was right, in every aspect. It wasn't that he didn't know what it meant by "sincerity" or how to "win something". It was also not because that he indeed felt that these gestures are immature. It was just that all his sincerity was geared towards that woman instead, and he was spending all his energy and time winning her instead of me. In fact, what he did for her was even more juvenile than what my friend wrote to him.
When i was expressing my anger and sorrow over his betrayal, instead of showing remorse and sorry, he would actually say nasty things and quarrel with me, which made me even more upset. Then of course, not to mention the part where he could just ignore my crying, sadness and deteriorating health, while couldn't bear even the slightest hurt to that woman.
When i gave him the list of my expectations for getting back together, he was so reluctant that he felt as if i was going to imprison him. He said that no man in the world could accept that, but turned out it wasn't true because there were men who would indeed willingly do all the things to rebuild the marriage of trust of the wife. His reluctance was simply because he was still having the affair behind my back even though he told me that he had stopped.
After he put on the show with that woman in ending their indecent relationship in front of me, he sill couldn't stop speaking in China accent. I thought he was too hooked on it and needed time to get rid of the accent, but it turned out that it was because he didn't stop his affair and was still continue picking up the accent from that woman.
Ok, what i was getting at is this -- it was extremely obvious then that his heart had already gone to another and there was already no turning back. Yet, i was so naive to think that it was working well.
So really, i can only blame myself for being stupid in not seeing all these signs and still holding on to the hope blindly. Everyone has always told me that i am a person who is too rational, but turned out that i wasn't at all and allowed my feelings and emotions to take over my better judgement.
It seems like i'm still doing the same now, letting my emotion taking over me, by feeling depressed and couldn't get a grip on myself. But then, love is irrational; so there is really no way that i can use logical thinking to suppress my feelings.
What i can do now is only to use my mind power, with the help and support from the loved ones around me, not to stop it but to get over it.
Labels: introspection
